|
|
Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009
| |
12:19 pm - I link you again. It's how I do things.
|
This is the best misheard lyrics video I've ever seen in my life. I propose that it is unable to be topped.
Also, if you haven't seen this, you are not my friend. Look up the lyrics some time, and you will find that it's just as hilarious in print.
current music: The second link. Again.
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, May 28th, 2009
| |
7:16 pm - Fascinating.
|
( Here's the thing )
Fun fact! Burger King hambugers in my area are 89 cents. A double hambuger? $2.50. I order two burgers and hand the buns and wrapper for one of them right back over the counter.
RPG Quotes:
(important note...most of these are intended to be taken out of context)
"Why can't we pee in the river?" "Because then the gorillas would drown."
"If it's not glass, then I don't want it for my fetus."
"She's not here. She could have showed them her feces."
"We'd get the horses pregnant one at a time."
"They're highly potent focal points of magic and chaos rolled up into a tiny little...bitch."
"I could not recommend a competitor. I'm sure you understand." "Actually, I couldn't understand. You're kind of French."
"That's why it's fun to kill people. Cute has nothing to do with it."
"It will be a long way. Especially since you lost your horses." "Neigh!"
"That horse is gonna die in a knife fight."
"What did she die from?" "Murder."
"I told them to get more ballistas!" "They were busy building walls to put the ballistas on." "Walls don't work on dragons!"
"What happened to her?" "She tried to chop down a treant." "Why?" "She...wanted to make a canoe."
"Where will you be aiming?" "I dunno...I want him to die and leave me alone." "Ah, the 'die and leave me alone' shot...that's tricky."
"You know what? The gorilla fetus is cute."
"If that thing were smart, it would be catching the arrows." "It IS catching the arrows."
"Neckra, would you like to destroy Baku's monkey?" "No way, you stay away from my monkey!" "But mine's all used up!"
"She's just a big ol' softy on the inside." "Yep. Reeeeaaaal squishy." "Yes, but she's sharp and pointy on the outside, which is what we keep her around for."
"How much are you gonna drink?" "Enough to where I stop feeling lousy."
"Apparently I'm some sort of mystical monkey god with powers I didn't even know."
"We've only had time to break a window and throw a badger out of it."
"I know a bit, but for fifty gp, I'll know a little more." "That doesn't make sense. I've had plenty of money, and it didn't make me any smarter." "Yes, I can tell."
"When the monsters come to raid your town and eat your children, you can use these weapons to kill them! ...the monsters, not the children."
"I think those guys were priests of a dark god." "Which one?" "Both of them."
"I'm not a thief!" "Says the guy with 'some guy's wallet' written in his inventory."
"I'll shoot the owlbears." "Are you going to aim for anything in specific?" "Yes. The owlbears."
current mood:  amused
|
|
(11 comments | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, April 30th, 2009
| |
7:32 pm - Reboot
|
Dave had to restart. I had too many system-draining programs going at once. Some data may have been lost, but things are running much more smoothly now. Whew. (FYI: If we don't talk anymore, I've prob'ly deleted you from a few things. I'm pretty sure it didn't affect anybody who reads this thing.)
Book number two is at about page 525. I haven't made a whole lot of progress lately, but I'm really happy about the quality of the progress. I love my characters to death, and I hate what I'm about to do to them. I'm a bastard.
I actually heard Rammstein's "Reise Reise" on the radio a little bit ago. I was shocked. It turns out the college has a legitimate station that's relayed through the local high schools, and they actually do play non-top-twenty songs. Oh, the wild stuff I've heard.
I want to mention that the art of blowing a person's mind isn't about intelligence, it's about a new take on old perspectives, things that have settled long enough to be taken for granted. I was humbled and thrilled to be knocked on my ass by a compelling and staggering new theory that will forever change the way I see a movie.
It's going to be a great year for music. Rammstein, Epica, Amberian Dawn, Steve Burns, and Lacuna Coil all have albums coming out (Epica's coming out with TWO, Dido's is already out, and I think I'm forgetting someone important). I'm a little giddy. This will rock. It so will.
Dimitri and Jess still have my books. I fear I shall never have them back.
One more Ask Doctor Dave, then I rest.
--------
Dear Doctor Dave
You are sooo awesome. Why can't all men be like you? You know how to talk to a lady. Guys seem to have a hard time really expressing themselves, but that's makes you who you are!
Like I went out with this guy, and he paid for my meal which was sweet, and he opened the door for me and everything, but all he would do is talk about himself, you know, didn't get to know me. And worse, I could see through his shirt, he had bacne! EW! Is there anything worse than that?
Laura in WI
Dear Laura
Thank you for your kind words. To answer your question, there are two things worse than bacne, and I hope you didn't have to experience them:
1. Cracne
2. Sacne
May you never find either.
-------
Big love goes out to anybody who still reads this damned thing.
current mood:  okay
|
|
(8 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, February 15th, 2009
| |
11:29 am - Don't read this.
|
|
| Sunday, February 8th, 2009
| |
9:38 am - Gah
|
Annoying dream last night. I was trying to use a free-access computer with a small movie-theater-sized monitor to look something up on Yahoo (of all things), and for some reason, the computer had no problem with the www part, but it couldn't type Yahoo. I diagnosed the strange-as-hell keyboard/mouse plugs (like an N64 power plug with the actual wires in the middle, and decide that the problem wast he keyboard. I was going to go into the control panel to open up the accessibility options and pull up the on-screen, point-and-click keyboard, but apparently I had to minimize a zillion other things first, despite that I only had one program open. It was frustrating. I think I got through twelve minimizations before I woke up. That was my brain trying to prevent me from understanding that the part of the brain that actually handles letters doesn't work in dreams, but I didn't understand that it was a dream, otherwise I'd have been trying to sue that to my advantage (and failing). The weird thing is, I remember very distinctly the finger-pointing patterns of typing Yahoo.c (because I would get that far before realizing that it wasn't working), even if it came out Yclbb. Those B's stand out very clearly in my memory.
Computers have been pretty prominent in my dreams lately. I often dream that I'm trying to get use out of very obsolete compies at work, switching files from hard drives to those huge old-style black floppy disks in order to make it happen. Other times, I dream I'm being moved to a different, slightly less awesome computer and I have to wonder what I'm allowed to do on it and not allowed to do, and what will happen to my old files. Strangely, this new style of dream does not dishearten me a bit. Showing up at school late on the first day, with no idea which classes to go to, or suddenly realizing that I've been signed up for a class that I haven't been going to for the last several months, those were annoying. Especially when it's for high school, and the first thing that happens when I leave school is realize that my car's been stolen or broken into. In high school.
After reading about ingrown hairs, I've decided to stop tweezing my nipple hairs. Just thought you should all know that.
And I've decided that if you've experimented with any drug, at all, you have no right to criticize full-blown junkies. They experimented too, and just had better results than you. They had the experience you were going for. That's what experimenting is, finding out how much you want this new thing in your life, whether it's homosexual activity, drugs, or autoerotic asphyxiation. You openly and knowingly took the risk that you were going to enjoy something to the exclusion of all other things, especially if it was a chemically mind-altering substance you were experimenting with. I'm not speaking out against people who do any of that, I'm just trying to turn off those hypocrisy faucets. Don't be a hater if you once looked down that road and said "Hmmm...maybe." On those last two, don't be a hater at all. Then again, I'm not thinking that any of my readers are concerned with what gender drops your pachinko balls, so it was kind of pointless to say that. Sirrah, sirrah. I just know that I got unwisely addicted to this chick down south, whose silence is making me behave rashleigh.
And so it can be said, yes, I'm getting the mandatory two days off per month, with the corresponding ten percent pay cut that's hitting the California state employees so far. We don't know whether more cuts are coming, because the governor has been able to exert almost no control at all over the legislature or the heads of many of his departments.
|
|
(6 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, January 26th, 2009
| |
9:59 pm - For the love of things that are not crap
|
For those of you who have seen this,
I humbly present the most hilarious thing I've ever seen. You have to stick with this until the very, very end to suddenly burst out into spontaneous, uncontrollable laughter like I did. And those of you who know me know that I don't do that.
For those of you who haven't seen these, bear with them. Just go with it. They're worth it. I know, I'm just posting a bunch of links lately. But I'm increasing the hilarity in your life. Just ask my mother.
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Friday, January 9th, 2009
| |
8:35 pm
|
I spent all last night being approximate as sick as death. I won't claim to have been sicker than death, but it was pretty harrowing.
This has been an extremely depressing winter for most people in my life. Fights with the boi/girfran, breakups, job losses, house losses, career pressures, school troubles, and, for me, this blip right in front of my left eye that renews every time I blink, ever since this afternoon. Man, do I hope it's not permanent. At least this winter smells nice. There's been a burning-cedar scent that rises through downtown Sacramento a few times per week, and really makes it easier to deal with the fact that I'm at work before the sun rises and out of work after it sets. It's kicking my sleep patterns where they don't like to get kicked.
I'm scrambling to get this promotion that I'm eligible for, but it involves jumping ship to another department, and there's a lot of paperwork involved in that. The applications I put out are being lost in those of the people who have already been working in that classification, so I guess I can say I'm being pretty well affected by the economic downturn, too. If those manpower cutbacks are put into place, things might get even less comfortable, since I've only been in state service two and a half years, and I'm not sure how close to that bottom ten percent I am in terms of tenure.
In other news, I am completely head over heels, balls-to-the-wall in love with my second book. The first one can officially go fuck itself (but keep with the feedback, 'Mitro). I've been churning out a couple of thirtyish-page chapters a month, and feeling really good about it.
I know, this is the second time in a row I've posted something pet-related, but someone sent me this and I felt it was mostly spot-on. Typos are left in for artistic purposes. Also, because I'm lazy, and over the last few months, I've found that I hate correcting typos.
( The ten commandments from a dog's point of view )
I'm going to see Avenue Q with my sister in March. I'll let you all know how that turns out. Apparently, seeing the show will help you understand what the internet is for.
I'm going to add this to the freaky shit pile: http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/24 Erin posted this on her blargh, and it's the kind of thing that you just can't look away from. There's "I'm into art" and then there's the kind of people who do this. Even the people who swing from hooks embedded in their flesh cannot hope to be this hardcore about art.
Today's big love goes to Ash, in hopes that it will get her to email me back quicker.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, December 15th, 2008
| |
3:52 pm - Just do this one thing for me
|
|
| Sunday, December 7th, 2008
| |
8:21 am - Good golly, do I loves me some tea
|
It's been too long since I've had a really hot, really good cup of regular ol' tea, and I got to do that again last night. I mean, I always had the opportunity, just not the inclination. Mmmm. Peaceful stuff.
I'm also noticing that I have the ability to take off my pants and socks in the same move. The trouble is, I have no idea how I do it. When I wake up the next morning, I find that my socks are still in the pants, as though someone were in them right then. Most people would take off their socks, then take off their pants, abut apparently, I've mastered an art that stays only in my subconscious, because if I try to do it on purpose, I have no idea how to make it happen. It's just a surprise that happens when I'm not paying attention. TMI? A-OK.
PC gaming is pretty much dead, I've noticed. Not testing games before you sell them for fifty bucks really is a kick in the crotch. There's also the annoying habit these days of having menus take forever to come up and react to entries, because slow transitions are cool. Today's annoying-as-hell thing is that you can't play GTA 4 if you don't have an internet connection. Woulda been nice to mention this on the box. Like that other game I won't mention that you pay the fifty for and only get to install three times. Hey gaming industry, if you want to stop losing customers to hacked versions of games, maybe you should allow us to save games to our hard drive instead of an online fucking database, or at least stop cluttering up the My Documents folder with user files after we SPECIFICALLY FUCKING DESIGNATE ANOTHER INSTALL PATH.
I'm angry now. I will soothe it with Dido.
Has anybody else noticed that her new album is extremely laid back, and lacks any of the passion of her earlier work? I think she's focusing on songs that are easy to sing in concert and won't require her to strain herself if she's on the road for six months. Looking at the abortion that her live album was, I'm willing to go ahead and pat her on the back and give her my support on this one. She has officially Sarah McLachlaned herself. Well, the first part of the McLachlanation process. She'll get lazy, and then she'll completely lose track of the flow of a good song and get obnoxiously self-indulgent. Baby, we love you, stop trying to add to something that already works beautifully and isn't stressful on you. Anybody remember Dirty Little Secret, and what a wonderful little song it could have been? I sigh.
But it seems that ol' Dider has now reached the point that she's reaping the consequences of the live-by-the-feeling lifestyle that characterized her first album. She was strong, she was passionate, she meant what she said and considered each emotion to be a divine truth, and in the subsequent Life For Rent (no, I'm not going to punctuate that), she seemed to be beginning to realize that maybe, at her age, she should have had some more accomplishments in her love life, instead of being passed around like a cigarette between fifth graders behind Taylor's house. Now, we have this, on her latest album:
Track 1: Song about being afraid to love
Track 2: Song about a failed relationship
Track 3: Song about being afraid to love
Track 4: Song about a failed relationship
Track 5: Song about not feeling anything for the relationship you're in
Sensing a theme?
I want to send this album to somebody, but I know for a fact that she wouldn't understand.
Hey, does anybody else hate the way IE now puts a little view-tube on every link and gives you a preview of where it goes, whether you want it to or not?
I have links. They are seriously, seriously worth the watch.
What, son?
Put the snacks in the bag, and I'm ghost like Swayze!
Seriously, all these lists are awesome and adorable.
The obligatory gamer-oriented link that I won't expect anybody to follow. Warning, the first one is a little gratuitous, but bear with it. Yes, Felicia Day is in everything these days. World of Warcraft players should look up The Guild. I won't link it, because it's not my thang. This blog is about things that are Dave's thang.
Freaking hilarious series of videos. Go through the whole series if you have the time.
This'n, too.
Few things have ever made me bust up laughing (especially a forum) quite like this did.
Maybe I was just in a good mood at the time, but I got a huge kick out of this. I don't even know why Plaxico Burress was in the news (I don't keep up), but it got really funny halfway through for me.
And of course, you're a bad person if you haven't seen Doctor Horrible.
Today's big love goes to Jamie, even though she doesn't wanna talk to me no' mo'. I still loves you, babe.
|
|
(5 comments | comment on this)
|
| Friday, November 21st, 2008
| |
6:22 pm - A simple explanation, followed by some tired arguments
|
Behold as I join the whining masses.
A war starts in an oil-rich and politically volatile area. Prices naturally increase, driving investors to the commodity. This again drives prices up, and it keeps going until gas is five bucks a gallon in the US, and several times worse in other places of the world. Commuters lose disposable income and with prices rising quickly (but hey, the economy is doing great! Just look at the payoffs on those gas investments! :D ), are less confident in their future ability to afford anything else. Spending therefore decreases disproportionately to the rising of gas prices. Fewer loans are taken out, which leaves the banks with the need to raise existing rates in order to cover their costs and keep their own investors happy, which makes more people less able to afford their daily financial indulgences. The cycle continues until it hits critical mass, and the banks become entirely unable to operate. Reports come in of people who were given eviction notices and have still been living there for over a year because the banks don't even have the money to pay somebody to tell the police to go over there and kick those people out. Jobs are cut in all areas of the economy as a result of fewer purchases made, resulting in less spending cash, resulting in yet fewer purchases made.
Yep. Chevron gas is under two bucks in Sacramento now. GW is putting gas prices right back where he found them, and all it took was a total collapse of the US economy over a war that we were drawn into. No, seriously, it was because their operatives attacked us on 9/11
because there was a link between Bin Laden and Saddam that we somehow misplaced
because they had weapons of mass destruction
because it's our job to spread democracy via a president who was not democratically elected with a war nobody voted on.
Yes, it's our job. Even if it means leaving ourselves without the national manpower to deal with an immense hurricane that knocks the shit out of our country. After all, we have experience in dealing with hurricanes without the ability to send our military in to help because they're in Iraq.
While I'm here though, lemme see bitch some more, by proxy. It's an old enough and repeated enough argument that it fits this post. That's right. I don't complain about things that are still cool to complain about. I wait until they're right between hip and retro.
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, November 20th, 2008
| |
6:38 pm - Okay, real quick
|
Shorties.
Is there actually a good male vocalist out there these days? I can't think of any. Country music is just about the only genre out there that has any singing anymore, and since I don't really listen to country, I'm not exposed to any real talent.
To err is human.
To arr is pirate.
If you've ever been robbed while wearing white ear buds, you were asking for it.
The state of California is about to experience a 5% decline in paying its employees, but at least we'll get an extra day off a month. I'm the only one who doesn't mind. I'm naturally prosperous.
My LJ was violated by someone who apparently had a lot of free time on her hands. After her surgery, she'll have even more. Eeek. I didn't even have time to put up the drapes.
I have apparently talked my Ash off. This makes me sad.
My first wife needs some love. I have much of it. She needs to come get it. I am full of hugs that I haven't had the chance to give away yet.
Fallout 3 is a very hard game to finish. Going around and doing every quest just gets tiresome if you hit maximum level halfway through (which, in the game, you do).
It is also the only game in which I hear my henchman start fighting, and I keep doing whatever it was I was doing. "He can handle it" is not something I found myself saying often in Neverwinter Nights or KOTOR.
Gmail, your new themes are full of win.
I'm doing this for Cassie:
[Comment, then post in your own journal.
If you saw me in a police car, what would you assume I got arrested for? ]
Go on, answer it.
The mandatory cop-op function of Red Alert 3 is much less annoying now. It still shouldn't be mandatory, but it's good to not have to worry about every little thing across the map all the time.
Tonight's big love goes to all the fat girls out there. Be big. Be beautiful. Davey loves you.
Sit back down, pregnant girls. You don't count this time.
current mood:  rushed
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, November 12th, 2008
| |
3:11 pm - ...until it's over.
|
And it's not over.
One thing is over. Anybody who is really familiar with the situation and who really doesn't have an ounce of sympathy would find this situation absolutely hilarious, and, as luck would have it, I'm that person. That's right, I have no sympathy for myself, because I shed that annoying hang-up long ago. Few things aggravate me like people having sympathy for me (I'll gladly accept "Well, that sucks" on occasion, and little else), and because I do have much sympathy for other people (your pain is yummy for me, I loves me some cinnamon and pain toast om nom nom), the only chance I get to truly laugh at a circumstance regardless of the emotional dismemberment is when it's me who's coming to some very grim conclusions about what life holds in store from here on out.
Foremost is that the theme of my life thus far is best summed up as "the more things change, the more they stay the same." I meet the same people, they have the same quirks, and though they fill very interesting and divergent roles in my life, I've noticed the same actors behind the veil popping in to play bit parts and speaking roles all over the place. I never would have thought Amber and Angel would be mentioned in the same context, but the similarities are found even within the most complex of personality traits and even our daily interactions. Every redhead I've ever really gotten to know has played almost exactly the same role in my life (except Haley, who plays the Angel/Amber role), though it bears note that Allie is the queen of them, and earns her first-wife status. I have a list of Lost Lenores, full of opportunities to take what I want and enjoy the more valuable and basic spoils of my pursuits, whom I left behind and turned away because I would have had to sacrifice my honor to do so.
But the threes, the patterns that keep rising to the top, are what let me know that even my outside perspective on the behavior of humankind won't be enough to get me what I need to make it to the next step of personal satisfaction.
When I was much younger, my mother did a Tarot reading for her. She had me commune with the cards, you know, so they'll catch the essence and read for me, and all she drew, that whole session, were indications of three women. Sure, I was hoping mother, wife, daughter, that would be fine with me. Turns out things were going to come true in a different and certainly less traditional way.
Mom's cards weren't making a whole lot of sense after that. I don't remember whether she got rid of those, but the next few readings for other people were completely wacky. I might have broken her deck, which is why I don't let people do readings for me anymore. It'd be rude.
So now, I'm able to see the transitions of the last little mini-era of my life for the circles they were. I did the walk, had my fun, and this time, nothing's changed. I'm just waiting for the last trails to die off and the last traces to be wiped clean by the little storm that's being kicked up at work by the usual suspects.
Perhaps it's time to force a change. I think I'll start putting out resumes for a promotion. Might as well milk the forces of motion for all they're worth, before they peter out completely.
Today's big love goes to Eva, my beloved Canadian wife, and her beloved Canadian Canadian. I don't care who you are, I have slaughtered more digitized Chinese soldiers with her than I have with you (unless you're Dylan, and if you are Dylan, you shouldn't be reading my blog). Whoever else you are, chances are, Eva is hotter than you, too. She's got it like kaboom. KABOOM, I SAY.
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, October 29th, 2008
| |
8:48 am - Ooo, got it
|
Fallout 3 yesterday + Red Alert 3 today = a good reason to have everybody stop talking to me
I actually wouldn't have been very good company beyond yesterday anyway. It might seem depressing, but it works out for everybody. I am still waiting for the "kapow" thing to hit like it normally does, but I think this might just be an interlude before moving on to act 2.
Either way, I wanted to say that Fallout 3 is definitely not really Fallout 3. It's a post-apocalyptic role-playing game set in the Fallout universe, yes, but nothing based on Half-Life's engine is ever going to be a spiritual successor to the holiest of titles. Especially if the darker, self-aware humor is gone. They seem to have gotten Ron Perlman to do the intro, but he sounds so different, and doesn't keep the same tone. It's just not Fallout.
Still, I paid fifty bucks for it, and dammit, I'm going to try to prove myself wrong by going further into the game. First-person shooters do eventually make me nauseous, which is why I'm about to stop posting and go get an easier-on-the-stomach game to play in the admidstwhile.
Real quick, I wanted to send a shout out to my new word "circumbobulated." It pretty much means what you think it means, particularly if you think it means nothing.
Also, I hate the term "blackface." Hated it from back in drama class, and after seeing somebody talk about Tropic Thunder, I hate it just as much. Does it have that want-to-smack-the-person-who-said-it quality for anybody else?
Today's big love goes out to Jamie and her awesome Tarot Deck. She's the only person I know whose nickname is also a learning disability (albeit a very sexy one). Those of you familiar with the Brannigan dictionary will know what I mean.
current mood:  excited
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, October 11th, 2008
| |
12:08 am - Brilliance
|
|
| Friday, October 3rd, 2008
| |
10:51 pm - I'm out.
|
I'm at Disneyland, which is why I'm ignoring you. I should be back on Wednesday.
The Magic Kingdom > You
(except those people who know otherwise)
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, September 21st, 2008
| |
8:05 pm - Wild ride
|
The most eventful week I can remember, since...well, ever. By standard measures, it's fair to say that it began last Sunday (with an ominous prelude hitting home on Saturday), but there has been enough going on that I can't call the whole thing over. These things happen in fairly predictable patterns, and they always involved a breakdown (or sudden unavailability) of my current vehicle, the kaputting of my computer, a sizable change to my career, an adjustment to my roster of friends, and the depletion of all of my bank accounts to the single or low double digits. During this period, some very interesting changes usually occur, some old scores get settled, and the outcome is usually for the better, but why tempt fate?
And before anybody says anything about keeping a positive outlook, keep in mind that forgetting my birthday, forgetting where I live, and forgetting what color my eyes are, are things that other people consider insults. Not me. Completely forgetting who I am is the thing that sandpapers my tender bits, so please, don't give me cause to think that you've done so.
No. You may not have details. Mine. Mine mine mine. Instead, deal with some old Ask Doctor Daves that have been building up.
Dear Doctor Dave;
How much would wood a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Mike, ID
Dear Mike,
Six.
Dear Doctor Dave
I've been single for three years. I know a lot of women and they tell me I'd make a great boyfriend and they keep giving me advice on how to meet women but I still can't meet any. I go to the library and I go to church and I do dating sites but I still can't meet anyone. What am I doing wrong?
Kraft American Single in Texas
Dear Cheese,
Well, I can see what you're doing wrong right now. Don't ever listen to women for advice on how to meet women. It's like asking a person who spends all day playing minesweeper what his motherboard's front side bus speed is. They may move their mouths and make sounds, but so do cows, and I'm not going to them for advice on configuring my network. Nothing against women, of course, but their exposure to the male courtship approach generally relies on the having men come up to them and start hitting on them while they're at the supermarket. This barbaric and impersonal practice conditions women to accept only what comes to them. They don't study the social interactivity the way people on the outside of it (i.e. guys like you) do, because they're too busy being hit on to notice the nuances. Besides, even if they knew, they wouldn't want to make their gender look bad by being honest. Let me stress again that this is not the rule, but merely the norm.
My advice to you (even though you technically didn't ask for it on this subject) is first to stop believing that people who have a gall bladder automatically know the best way to handle it when things go wrong. Get out somewhere. Go somewhere new, somewhere off the internet, and most importantly, a place where you are likely to see the same people over and over. Join a book club that you would otherwise have no interest in. Volunteer for something. Ask to meet the families of your friends from time to time, some of them may have hot sisters.
Dear Dr Daveman
What is it about sex that changes a man?
Trish in Lodi
Dear Presumed Fellow Californial Trish,
Tough question, being so vague. There are a lot of changes that happen to a man after (and sometimes during) sex. The change usually has to do with the kind of sex it was. I break them into three major categories: Love sex, conquest sex, and chemical sex. Chemical sex is the easiest to work with, because it has nothing to do with you. The juices were flowing, the juices needed an outlet, you were there, and that's as complicated as it needs to be sometimes. I'd go ahead and call this the majority of sex between married people.
Conquest sex is only a little bit more involved, primarily because there are standards to it. You don't have to be more than a four, you only have to be there, with the necessary equipment (boobies and a vagina, or even just a vagina if you catch them at the right time, for those of you who actually had the brass tacks to wonder). And be willing. And sometimes, even that's not an issue. Conquest sex is about the part of the male brain dedicated to spreading the experiences around (and perhaps their itchy rashes). If you think that's piggish and morally reprehensible, bear in mind that it's for the survival of the species, so lighten up. The reason Russ isn't calling you back is because the continuation of the human race may one day depend on the genetic predisposition to get a "No Fat Chicks" tattoo on his underbelly and then get jiggy with overweight girls just to be ironic. He's not going to develop staying power before you develop standards, honey.
Love sex is the fabled city of gold that sounds a whole lot more pleasant than it actually is. Not only will the sudden impact on the precious metals market cripple the other businesses that once relied on gold distribution, but the financial investment required to protect it from unscrupulous global entrepreneurs would probably bankrupt you before you were able to get your Yukon's rims sized. Plus, you can't really eat gold, so after the economic collapse you cause, you won't be able to trade anything for what you really need.
What that was intended to mean is that if you broke it, you bought it. Once you get love sex from a man, his attention, his neuroses, and the depths of his dedication are yours to endure. Love sex doesn't change a man, it simply changes your role with him. Sometimes, he'll officially consider you a part of himself and start treating you like he treats himself. Trust me, this can be a completely horrible thing if your man doesn't have the self-esteem you think he does. Sometimes, love sex will produce an absolutely intolerable amount of devotion, and in many cases, dependence, because you've filled one fundamental void, and you will be expected to solve several more problems than that one.
The most underestimated thing that love sex can do, though, is validate a man's mistaken beliefs about a woman (or a man, hey, I don't judge, I'm just using women because they're a more classic example). It can make him think that she's something she's not, and either she'll do or say something eventually to show him that his faith and love were misplaced in a horrible and life-altering conflict, or he'll have his illusion chipped away, bit by bit, day by day, in the slowest and most agonizing way possible as both parties involved sink into the sad realization that short of a horrible and life-altering conflict, the only hope is to email some dope on the internet. Man, do I hope that's not you! =D
If that's what you're looking for, though, I know a guy in Texas.
Now for some personal ones.
Dear Doctor Dave
How did you learn all this stuff?
Chas, NS
Dear Chas
MacGyver taught me.
Dear Doctor Dave,
Whats the bigest lie u ever told
Jessika, ONT
Dear Jessika,
The one I just told Chas.
Dear "Dr" Dave...
Do u even no what ur talking about???
anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Of course I do. I'm on the internet.
Dear Doctor Dave
Is there anything you DON'T know?
Alison, NY
Dear Alison,
Yes. These things are as follows:
1) Exactly what sagging represents to the people who do it
2) The square root of cheese
3) How bacon can be so awesome
4) Who can explain string theory without sounding stupid ("The reason that we can't see these dimensions is that they're very small..." Come on.)
But trust me, I'm working on all of these things.
Big love.
current mood:  exhausted
current music: Metallica - Fixxxer
|
|
(6 comments | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, July 12th, 2008
| |
5:03 pm - Whew
|
One hundred fifty crunches, eighty push-ups, and twenty standard sit-ups. What's going on? Do I suddenly just not have an outlet for my energy anymore? Did my three shitty work weeks boost my metabolism? I didn't even sufficiently wear myself out. A couple of weeks ago, I was barely able to do twenty push-ups.
Went to see Hellboy 2 and Wanted. I went into Wanted expecting a whole heapin' helping of flashy bullshit that insulted the intelligence. I went to see Hellboy 2 for a moderately interesting bunch of scenes with a routine amount of imagination, just to see something slightly different, maybe a twist or two. Well, I got what I expected on both counts, just...reversed. Hellboy 2 sold out big time, and in some parts, was hard to watch without wincing at the dialogue. I was similarly shocked to find an enjoyable plot in Wanted, which, yes, lost track of any meaning the title had about fifteen minutes into it.
I think I might be out of games to play. I'm indulging in the original Toejam and Earl, but that won't last. Same for F.E.A.R.: The Perseus Mandate, and that entertains me, but fails to capture me. Also, I get motion sick playing it sometimes. Sometimes, not at all. But I might have to just go ahead and buy a PS3 to keep myself entertained. I Gameflied Splinter Cell, but it's a matter of having to know where everyone and everything is, so basically, you have to memorize everything, and the save points aren't generous, so you have to do everything over and over and over as you learn where the things later down the line are. I need a new game before I'm forced to either march down the Romance of the Three Kingdoms path (sucking me up for weeks at a time), or shell out the five hundred bucks for a used PS3, because goddammit, I need one with the Emotion Chip. I'm not paying that much without backward compatibility. No. Fuck you.
I've also revised m'book. It's going to a local friend here, then, for the love of crap, I'm going to make sure Dimitri finally gets it.
Also, I was previously exposed to askaninja.com and was not impressed, but some of them are freakin' awesome, and the guys doing it have started putting a lot more effort and creativity into it. They get my kudos.
[EDIT] I just found out the History Channel has a new show called Jurassic Fight Club. I don't care who you are, what you've done, or whom you know, you will never, ever be able to match the metric ton of awesome that the idea of Jurassic Fight Club weighs. Not with pirates, not with ninjas.
It says "exhausted" back there, but I'm about ready to hit the floor again and wear myself out again. Peace out, m'loves.
current mood: exhausted
current music: Still Nightwish - Ghost Love Score
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Friday, July 11th, 2008
| |
5:33 pm - There's no "inspired" feeling...is that just the LJ client?
|
My fall
will be for you.
My love
will be in you.
You were the one to cut me
so I will bleed forever.
I don't know why, but that verse cuts right the hell into me. It might be the way it's sung, or the way it's performed on the End of an Era DVD, but I can't think of it without getting all misty-eyed. I also hear the first two lines out of order. 'sweird. It's also creepy to see that this performance on the DVD was so beautiful, and was the last non-encore performance Tarja did before she was forcibly removed from the band.
Also, I would like to confirm that I have, in fact, developed a childish puppy-love for Gina Carano. Muay Thai fighters normally aren't my thing, but she has this strange glow to her that draws me in. Charisma out the wazoo. It's not even an "I want to marry her and have babies" thing, it's more like a "let me gawk at you" type of thing. I'm not going to use the C-word to describe it, because that's her name on American Gladiators and I hate making bad puns. I will say that on the subject of American Gladiators, I really miss Fury. She had style, and made the show fun to watch. Watching Gina pulverize the shit out of people just isn't fair to them. Come to think of it, it's kind of unfair that she's even a gladiator.
'nuff about what's inspiring me. Here's what's bothering me:
It's too hot in Sacramento.
Ugh. I mean, it was bad enough before the state caught fire and a cloud of ash started sealing in the sun's rays. Yugh. Today, for some reason, it's strangely tolerable.
Also, I need a third roommate because Chad's a cheap bitch. Anybody? Jess, come on over, I know you'd like me to be your sugar daddy. Jamie, we have an army to raise. Evasaurus, I need your mayhem down here. ALLIE. BE WITH YOUR HUBBY. Or D'leenz...you're old enough to get a job now, right? Be down here, where all the concerts happen.
current mood:  enthralled
current music: Nightwish - Ghost Love Score
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, June 28th, 2008
| |
4:58 pm - So, like, yeah, and stuff.
|
Okay.
Work has been shit. Stable shit, but the kind of shit that doesn't allow you to actually go somewhere and shit. You're four seconds from your desk before somebody grabs you and needs your help or they will perish and die. Normally, this would be the kind of thing I would have no scruples about shrugging off and allowing somebody to burn in their own fire, but these are people's careers I'm managing, so I suck it up and bust my own ass. I've missed lunch a couple of times, because damn it, we're just too busy.
I've actually gotten two parking tickets because I got so busy that I forgot to go out and move my car. Combined, they're about a seventy-dollar idiot tax. I have another one for $85 that I haven't paid from long ago, because in California, you can't park in a two-hour parking zone for an hour, park somewhere else for three hours, and then come back to anywhere in that parking zone...and by "parking zone," I mean "street." Move a block down, and you're screwed. Move ten feet to turn a corner, and you're fine. The parking ticket situation in downtown Sacramento is universally regarded as shit.
But what I'm really here to say is that I saw Don't Mess With Zohan, and Wall-E. One thing I've noticed about the majority of Adam Sandler movies is that you forget how much fun they are to watch until you're watching a new one. He lacks the kind of charisma that leaves you with a pleasant feeling when you think about it afterward, but I really enjoyed the many levels to be found in this movie. The comedy was solid and only dabbled in the standard appeal-to-the-mindless-masses retardation. It was there, but not long enough to make you roll your eyes and go "this again?", separating it from many a Mike Myers movie (the comic, not the killer). Obviously not to be seen if you take offense at all to any joke based on any Middle Eastern nationality, behavior, or stereotype.
Wall-E, on the other hand....
...well, let's talk for a moment about faith. Those of you who know anything about me know that I don't have any room in my life for faith. Hell, those of you who are familiar with Amber and how I kept letting her back into my life know that I don't need faith in anything to appreciate life. Interplay made Fallout and Fallout 2, and they...well, they got raped and pillage. SSA made the original Pool of Radiance series, and they were bought and gutted by Wizards of the Coast. Even Reese's dabbled in those fluffy whipped low-fat bars, and come to think of it, they haven't put out anything good since Nutrageous, and they're really, really on a roll with putting out shit lately. Even Genndy Tartakovsky had...hey, know why? Let's leave Genndy Tartakovsky the hell out of this.
(By the way, I am terribly sad that he will not be involved in the new animated Clone Wars movie.)
Anyway, I am not a man of faith. I deal with what I have, and I make choices based on what is likely. If something is regular, solid, and "reliable," I will make use of it, but I don't get emotionally attached. Sometimes, a super hero movie is Iron Man, and sometimes, it's Elektra. I'll lament that I spent two hours watching something, but I'll get over it, and I'll note, for the future, who and what was involved in the movie, so that I can avoid it in the future.
But Pixar really, really, fuckin' really has me. Toy Story. Toy Story 2. The Incredibles. Monsters, Inc. Stories that use animation as a medium, not as a product. Cars and Ratatouille could have just as easily been done with computer-assisted live action, but to them, the goal seems to be to present as much human emotion and meaning as possible while simultaneously staying as far away from the direct human element as possible. A very strong case can be made that this was their entire focus for Wall-E, almost to the exclusion of all other goals.
And you know what? It got me about as close to actually crying in a movie theater as I've ever been.
Well, not counting the abortion that The Punisher was, but this was because it was beautiful, not because it was shitting over every hope I had of walking out of the movie theater satisfied.
Less is more, and this movie might very well have been made to prove that. It strips away the distracting factors and the unnecessary expositions to expose the source code, the hidden core of what brings us to the movies and draws us in. Sure, there are slips in this from time to time, but they're not nearly frequent enough to stop you from seeing that Pixar can goddamned well get you to care for a dirty metal box than most studios can get you to care for a sexually abused orphan infant with AIDS.
Pixar has my faith, and has had it since I sat down to see a movie with a premise that I thought was absolutely dull. I respected them after Toy Story 2, but after Finding Nemo, I saw that no matter how the story initially strikes me, they can breathe life into it and make me care, and I grew some faith. Wall-E repaid me for that faith in spades, and if Pixar ever truly lets me down, I will be crushed. Just like I was crushed when I walked out on The Wild after ten minutes, and was still, for some reason, thinking Pixar was behind it. Good thing I took a closer look at the poster when I got outside.
I tell you, I just about lost it at "activating security camera."
And for those of you who are going to see the movie soon, I offer this advice: Watch for mice. Don't be afraid to giggle your ass off.
Now, if The Dark Knight is as good as the first one, my summer will be complete already.
Well, it would help if I could get more done on the second book. I'm 250 pages into it, which, by the first one's standards, is about halfway into it, and though I don't like the proportion's match to where the plot stands right now, that's probably pretty accurate. I'd like some feedback on it, be even my old fan club has been too busy for the past six months to do any reading on it. Damn it, I gave them the super-secret chapter they demanded, and this is how they repay me? I will murder them all. "They" just being Jen and Jenna, this is not going to be a long murder spree.
current mood:  grateful
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, May 7th, 2008
| |
6:01 pm
|
Word up.
Been a while.
For the record, and because people will ask, I’m doing fine financially. I work for the state, and they’re paying me decently.
As for where I’ve been, my life has been pretty heavily invested lately. See, normally, I’m torn between the games that are out now and the games I rediscovered while I was bored while waiting for the new games to come out, so there are either two or three things catching my interest at all times. Lately, though, there are a few more, and they’re rather...well, they’re the each-you-alive variety of time consumption. On the mental table right now, I have:
1) Silent Hill: Origins
2) Command and Conquer 3: Kane’s Wrath
3) The original Command and Conquer timeline games, and Red Alert 1
4) GIRLFRIEND
5) The brain-asploding fatigue factor of work
6) Studying for the MCSE, and in that, I mean reading a study guide in order to learn what would normally require twenty thousand dollars worth of school to learn...my roommate is, indeed, paying that much to learn all this, and it’s only because he did that I got my hands on worthy study material
7) Trying to get a fourth roommate
8) Solving the problems that a fourth roommate would create
9) Determining the possibility of moving to a different place because our management’s thumbs are perpetually brown
10) Running my RPG again
11) Trying to finish editing a 636-page novel
12) Writing a new novel of indeterminant length, that is currently on page 185 or so and isn’t even really at the meat of the story yet
So I’m busy. Bugger off, you vultures.
No, wait, don’t bugger off. Truth is, I need you. See, I’m heartless and mean until I want you for something. I’m like all men. And all women, come to think of it, you e-a-vil vixens, you. I need proofreaders, yo (see item 12 above). I need to know where I’m making typos, and whether I’m conveying the right impressions about circumstances and so forth. Don’t abandon me just because I abandoned all of you for like a year! It wouldn’t be f....okay, it would be completely fair, but it would be failing to be unfair in my advantage, which, to me, is unfair. World revolves around me, if y’recall. The sun and planets are in on the conspiracy to make it look like it’s not really that way, but don’t be fooled. Aristotle died just days away from being able to conclusively prove that we live in an Egocentric universe.
And yes, I know that somewhere out there is a Mitriphrenial weirdo thinking “Well, if he needs proofreaders, why don’t I have his stinkin’ book yet?” This is Jess’s fault. She’s hoarding it. Ordering another one would cost me thirty bucks, and I don’t want to pay that until I’m done with the editing. Then he can read at leisure without having to worry about providing feedback. If he still cares. I’m kind of an ass. I mean, I wouldn’t want to read my book.
Anyway, about the proofreading thing, the trick is that you would have to have read the first book to understand anything, so that limits the utter crap out of my options. My two most beloved readers of the first one have dropped off the face of the planet, so they’re no good, and the only other one I can rely on has bronchial pneumonia and has to stay in bed all week. And also has two kids to watch. So I would need someone to read my whole first book and then start in on the second. Unless Cassie wants to provide me with the unreal amount of feedback I require. Hey, people who like to be heard and have your opinions count? This is, like, the first time in the history of the internet that it can make a difference. Seriously, the first. No, forget all that nonsense that the TV is telling you about the online economy and the user-generated revolution. This is the first.
I got an Ask Dr Dave question that I wanted to get to while I’m here, though, so lemme tackle ( this one )
So here's what I've done ( recently )
And that's that.
Big love to all of y'all, even if your opinions differ dramatically from mine. I'm still all about The Love. Yes, capitalized.
current mood: rushed
current music: Nightwish - End Of All Hope
|
|
(7 comments | comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|