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Tuesday, October 12th, 2010
5:39 pm
http://gorillamask.net/index.php?show_page=video&page_id=33731

That is all.

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Wednesday, September 8th, 2010
5:45 pm - Alphabetical Rage
So here we go, yo.

I moved. Not that anybody who reads this wouldn't have heard this somewhere else. I got a two-bedroom place with Alura (friend of a friend who exemplifies the observation that the free spirits of society are usually the ones with the most mature personal behavior) and with Amber. Yes, Amber and I are sharing a room. Make of that what you will. We still insist that we're not in a relationship, but as I explained to my mother when she asked, "It's a lot like we are."

This is a good move. It's a cramped move, but it's a move that gets me to where some of the people are paying the bills, and I won't have to deal with stuff strewn about the place all the time. I did get screwed on the utilities that get paid after after you've incurred the charges, since both of my former roommates were phone-less (and internet-less after I left) and not frequently home. Contacting them is kinda fruitless, and I'm getting the impression that they were out on the sixth of the month anyway. So I'll bite that. Whatever. Not like I'm already at a fifteen-percent pay cut or anything.

On the plus side, I revitalized my love for Fallout: Tactics. That there is some goood stuff. Single-person team, Tough Guy mode. Going at it with any more than one really waters down my enjoyment, since the multi-person tactics get really redundant, and aren't very helpful against the many, many entrenched enemies who won't come out for anything. I'm not guessing that any of you have any idea what I'm talking about, so let's move forward.

Rock Band 3 is coming out sooner than I expected. Gotta gotta gotta have. It's not that long until Christmas, but I might get it before then. I don't know. There are other things I'll need to get around that time frame (less excitingly, New Vegas and the new Borderlands expansion), but that's going to be the biggie. I hope it doesn't cost more than two hundred bucks. I also hope the drums won't require another huge amount of space, because the ones I just got at Goodwill for three bucks (USB powered, hells frickin' yes) are doing me just fine, and I don't want to have a grand total of three drum sets taking up a coffee table's amount of space each. Maybe it's time to disassemble them. I'll name one set Number Five just to be a sadistic bastich about it. Cruelty, thy name is…well, it's Cruelty. But it's something I can haz.

I'm sure many of you were wondering what's been pissing me off lately. Have no fear, there are some old favorites of mine that need their turn in my spotlight of hatred:

Turning things off from the task manager
A program is frozen and won't die. No problem. I can fix this. Task manager. Shut this off. Task manager says "Dave...are you...are you sure you want this shut off?" I say yes. It says "Okay, lemme get into this." Time passes. It comes back and says "Dave...Dave! You won't believe this shit." I ask what. It says "It's not closing! It's, like, frozen or some shit!" I say "'kay. Dude. Turn the shit off." It says "Turn it OFF? Like, END the program or something? But, but...but then the program won't be on!" I say "Why the hell do you think I opened you?" It says "This isn't the right way to close a program!" I say "NO SHIT, IT'S FROZEN. THIS IS ALL WE GOTS RIGHT NOWS. MAN UP AND CUT THAT SHIT DOWN, TASK MANAGER." Seriously, there has to be a better way than this.

Progress bars
Zipping through the bar and pausing at 98% for ten minutes means your progress bar has failed, you're a bad programmer, and you're an insult to the very reason progress bars were invented. Nobody gives a shit how many steps have been completed if the last one takes twice as long as the rest put together, we want to know how close we are to having this be done. And if your progress bar gives away only to go to another progress bar for what the user has every reason to perceive as the same task, you need to be physically harmed.

Warnings before loading a game
"Are you sure you want to load this game? All your current progress will be lost!"
"WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I'M LOADING THE GAME?"

Warnings before saving a game
I click on Save Game, I click on the slot I want to use, and it tells me that there's already a saved game with that name. Well. No. Shit. I saw the picture. I saw my character in the picture. He looked sad. He looked weak. He looked like the only thing that could make him feel better was a renewal of faith and spirit, like I have in my new game. If you're going to slow me down and make me click on more things to save my game, at least do a better job of trying to convince me not to. Show how much money or experience I had, at least. Show me what I did that's irreversible now. Side-by-side comparisons, otherwise, just let me save the damned thing.

Online software validation
Are we to have nothing to play while our internet is out?

The letter W
I know I'm down on the letter P because it sounds like a noise a retarded person makes trying to use classier letters, but it's time to start identifying the slacker letters that need to stop riding coattails. We're starting with W, because I don't want to make the letter X feel special. W has no sound of it's own. You can't hold a W. Phonetically, it's just the "oo" sound. Go ahead, use it. Slow common words down, and listen to yourself. When? Oo-ehn. How? Ha-oo. This letter has three fucking syllables, stole a name, and stole a sound. It needs to get axed. If we're pushing things up to 26 letters for this backward-ass alphabet, we don't need any cheap knockoff letters confusing things for us.

The letter X
KS. There. Done. An entire worldwide marketing phenomenon kicked in the balls by calling this letter what it is. Generation KS, KS-men, the KS-factor, Y=Mks+b. The Powerpuff Girls were made with Chemical KS. KS markes the spot. Go in and get a KS-ray, I don't give a crap. CH, TH, SH are all consonant blends, but KS apparently happens frequently enough in English to require that a whole new letter be made for it? This is a steaming pile of bullcrap with a really good marketing director.

The letter Y
Again, this thing rose to power by stealing from a legitimate vowel, E. E was doing its own dirty business, you know, dominating the language, when Y came along and decided it was going to steal some of that thunder. Now, look at poor, pathetic E. It's still all over, but now it has to spend its days desperately trying to cling to the ends of words, hoping to recapture some of the end-of-word glory that Y took to fill its envious, hollow shell.

The letter E
Oh snap. Dave, you'll just turn on a bitch like that? Damn straight I will. E fell far, baby. It crash-landed and started trying to take over everything else. Now it's trying to scootch over onto A's territory. I was really sweet in letting other letters step on its territory, but it, too, because a subject of the new E empire. It has "ee," it has "eh," it even tried to take "uh" from the letter U. Come on, nobody ever says "Thee biggest crock of shit," it's always "Thuh biggest crock of shit," which means E is trying to assimilate all of the vowels until nothing is left but O. You'd best watch out, you magnificent, round beast, you, E grows jealous of your sexy curves, for it has none of its own. Resistance is futile. Y created a monster, and now we're all paying for it.

The letter C
You've all heard me say it before. This is a bitch letter, and it deserves even less than the bitch treatment it gets. What purpose does it serve? It's only for the "ch" sound. And it can barely even handle that. It has to call in its bigger, cooler friend T, who takes pity on it and helps it make the sound when "ch" isn't enough. Just think of when that sound is pretty much the whole word: "itch." What the hell, C? You were taking up a sound each from K and S, who were already getting robbed by the letter X, and then decided you were hot shit and tried to make a break for a new sound by hooking up with that completely and utter slut, H. H will shack up with anything, don't be so proud of yourself, especially since you needed to invite a third party into your little lovefest just to make ends meet. You suck.

The letter G
I don't need to sound like I'm trying to swallow and breathe at the same time. Any ground covered by this sound would have been better handled by a K, which is much easier to hear. K doesn't go starting crap. K minds its own business. Why is everybody so freakin' hard on K? Let it flow, man. And if we're talking about keeping letters down, why does G need to stomp all over J? G is taking the best spots to be! Know who I blame? Italians. Giovanni and the bunch. I thought it was cool that they were using C as the "ch" sound alone, as we found in ciabatta, but they were just siding C because it had their alibi, and throwing the G right under the bus.

The letter Q
Here we go again. KW. Poor K has to latch onto the front of a letter just to make a cursory appearance in any sentence anymore. What's worse is that Q is another letter that can't exist without a different one, the U. People are trying to get cute lately and drop the illusion, and they're now just tossing a Q in wherever a K would normally be. That's just sad, man. Kick a letter while it's down, why don't you? And there's C again, trying to worm its way into "kick." A good word where the K is trying to take a solo adventure with a vowel in there only for the sake of technicality, and C tries to get into the action. Know what ABCD stands for? Alphabet blows chunks, dude.

Let's see how far I can push this. Alphabet blows chunks, dude. Example: Frickin' G hops into J. K likes my new options. Punch Q. Really, smack that. Upend vowels! What, X? Yeah. Zomg.

Not my best work, but what can you expect? I'm tired, low on time from being the world's chauffer, and...hey, look! A nap!

[And while we're at it, check this out: My LJ-posting client program is a-no worky now. In addition to my background and color scheme no longer existing? Wot de fok. Brooklyn raaaaaaage!]

current mood: angry

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Wednesday, July 14th, 2010
3:48 pm - Son of a bitch
I have an itch on my lower lip. Scratching it doesn't help because I just got back from the dentist's office and that part of my mouth is numb.

current mood: numb

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Tuesday, July 13th, 2010
6:28 pm
People often ask me how I'm different (no kidding, they actually do, it's weird...usually it's shortly after they ask me "why not?"), and explaining it is usually a complicated issue, because in order to do it, I first have to explain to people who they are, and that almost never sits will with them. I have to show them what they take for granted, how they perceive the world, and which influences have been the root causes of just about everything they believe. I know, reading this, you're already getting nauseous about my pretentiousness, but there aren't many polite ways to phrase it, and the polite ways are terribly vague and wordy (Wordy? From Dave? Nawww).

From that point, it's a matter of showing why I'm different without making it sound like I'm better, which is the real difficulty. Any time you get into a "you vs. me" conversation, you're going to come off as being egotistical, even if you're an orange trying to tell an apple how you're different (and even if you're Michael Phelps trying to tell a kindergartner why he's sinking to the bottom of the pool).

I think I'm going to start trying to explain it a different way. I'll say that I was born without the normal set of impulses that people have, like dancing. People love to dance, all over the world. I also lack the impulse to try to make what people say mean what they very specifically avoided saying, such as suggesting that "People love to dance, all over the world" means that everybody in the world loves to dance. Things pass through my brain before they pass through my actions (usually), so I end up not doing a lot of the things that people usually do for fun. The small comforts in life mean very different things to me, and the case that exemplifies this best is in the human voice.

People absolutely love hearing themselves and each other talk, even if there's absolutely nothing to talk about, whereas I consider a voice to be delivery method rather than a valuable thing unto itself. It's like a color, in that there's no point in having it unless it's on something, preferably on a nugget of information. This is part of why I hate phones. Talking is slowed down by a variety of things, mostly by stammering, thinking, repeating the same thing over and over, and, mostly, by how much time thinking about how I'd rather be reading about something. Just listen to any conversation around you, pay careful attention to how much time is spent on the word "ummm�" and you will find why I'm probably trying to get off of the phone with you. The information is what I want. I do not feel personally connected to you while I'm talking into a box that sounds like a scratchier, 56k version of you, and I'm not holding the phone lovingly to my ear, trying to drink in the soothing melody of your goddamned voice through the thirty-cent speaker core in my handset.

Sorry, that got a little harsh. I hate phones, you see. Just in case we weren't clear on that. I also hate speaking, but that's another story.

But back to voices (it is out of courtesy that I don't talk to most people about the voices), I really can't see myself on a desert island, desperate to hear another human voice. Maybe I'll be desperate enough to want to have somebody say something, but that will still just be for verification of autonomy other than my own, at which point that voice will probably be clear to shut right back up.

Sadly, the foundations of society are woven around communication, and voice has been the tried-and-true way of getting things done for most of its history. Well, voice and gestures, but even with the technology readily available and negligibly cheap, video phones are still overwhelmingly rejected by the modern market. People want the chance to ignore you while listening to you. They don't care what you're saying, as long as there's a human-sounding buzz in their ears. That's not to diminish the feeling of power that a person gets from speaking, another thing I lack. People just love to repeat themselves, telling the same story over and over, for a little bit of attention, and to wield the authority to hold up a conversation until they're done. Really, in an argument, or a political or religious debate, do you think the other side is really listening? Nobody(ish) goes into a debate with the intention of learning anything, they just want to repeat what they believe.

It doesn't even have to be for a viewpoint. People get a kick out of saying the equivalent of "You are listening to me talk." Just look at these little societal nuggets that, when logic is applied, usually don't serve any real purpose.

I hadn't realized how long this was when I first posted, so now it's behind here for personal considerationCollapse )

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Wednesday, July 7th, 2010
7:55 am - Posty for posty's sake.
I don't really know whether this is LJ-worthy, but at least it's a post. This was an email sent to me and then replied to, and I ended up spending a little more time on it than I think I was expected to.



From: TalksTo, SomeoneDave@APlace
Sent: That one time
To: Humphrey, David@APlace
Subject: Solve this puzzle


Can you solve this puzzle?

You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.

[and here the font goes white to match the background, you know how it works]

* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *


From: TheDave@okaywhatever
Sent: Eventually
To: ThePerson@thesameplace
Subject: RE: Solve this puzzle

This would be the first merry-go-round I've ever seen that goes clockwise.

And now, for this week's break down, let's examine how Dave's mind handled this one:

"Where the hell am I riding a horse that has ostriches, lions, gazelles, and wild horses? And why are they all crowded together by this drop-off?"

"Okay, how high is the drop-off? Could be a curb. We could ride this horse into traffic, and I'm pretty sure I'd still have the right of way. Of course, if we're in Sacramento, nobody will care."

"Several ostriches being chased by a lion, no problem. We can totally go that way, the lion is fixated on the hunt. The horse can outrun the $hit out of that lion and those ostriches. I cross right over, no problem."

"Gazelles aren't a problem. They're not dangerous animals, and if they're not going slower than I am, no problem there. Hey, do I have a gun? I could probably go for a gazelle burger right about now, since food helps people cope with stress. No, if I had a gun, this whole scenario probably wouldn't be a problem. Besides, why do I have a gun on a horse? Who am I, the Lone Ranger? I haven't heard of him visiting Narnia, so I'm guessing I'm not him. Besides, if that were the case, I could just toss Tonto over the side and he'd save the day somehow."

"Behind me is a stampede of horses, but horses aren't stupid. If I start slowing down, they're not going to try to ram their heads into the back of my horse, they're going to go around. Besides, it's another horse, he'll be alright with them. It's not like I'm riding a glue factory owner. Let's take the carrot out of Mr. Ed's butt, pull him over, and get rational about all this. Now I kind of wish I had that gun. Once I gatted that gazelle like Tupac, the stampede of horses would tenderize the crap out of him, so he'd be extra-tasty, and my own horsey could find out what it tastes like to cross over into the carnivorous side of the food chain. Doing that will get him a little extra-aggressive and increase his protein intake, which will be helpful in avoiding crazy situations like this again. Can't shoot that lion, though, that's poaching, and I'm not sure this hypothetical gun is even registered. They'd send me to prison, where a few horses, gazelles, lions, and ostriches will be the least of my worries. There's less than a twenty percent chance of being anally violated with any of those (except maybe the lion, who will probably want to show you who's boss before he eats you)."

"Come to think of it, do we get cell service where I am? Animal control would be really interested in hearing about this one. While we're at it, let's see who else we could call, because this would make one hell of a youtube video. 'Moron on a horse gets pwnd by the Department of Fish and Game for using an unlicensed hypothetical gun.' I could see that getting at least a million views."

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Wednesday, June 30th, 2010
6:40 pm - Name complaints
Jr
Nobody cares what your father's name was.

The third
Your family has officially established a tradition of thinking that people give a crap, and for most people who can't be bothered to come up with a new name, they're horribly mistaken. Also, you seem to be in the business of manufacturing pains in the ass, because when somebody calls your house and asks for John, they don't want a trip to the fucking family circus, they want to talk to whatever person they're calling for. Stop wasting people's time.

Hyphenated last names
Piss or get off the pot, lady. Get married or don't. "I love you and I want to be with you forever, sorta." That doesn't work. And making us have to spend extra time saying your name is a pathetic move. You're not nearly as important as you think you are. You're really not worth two names. And if you go by one last name sometimes, the other sometimes, and the hyphenated version at other times, you need to have at least one leg broken. It can be the thigh or the shin. I'm reasonable. And if you correct people who don't want to follow your bullshit, you're abusing the possession of your vertebrae, and they should be revoked.

Hyphenated common last names
You're not carrying on your family's proud tradition by instituting a separate-but-equal name policy. If you're worried that the rich, proud culture of Smiths or Espinozas will vanish if you become a Riley, there's a slappin' that's gotta happen.

People who inherited hyphenated last names
Your parents were assholes. If you had the chance to change it and you didn't, so are you.

Esquire suffix
It's not until we know a little bit about you that we care what you do for a living, and if you introduce yourself with "esquire" after your name, that's really unlikely. If you look up the etymology, you'll see that it comes from an old gaelic word, meaning "Ask me what my title means so I can talk about myself! For the love of God, please, somebody pay attention to me!" These days, more often, it just means that its bearer is an idiot. There's a reason they had Bill S. Preston adopt it. That's the level you're putting yourself on (pre-Wyld Stallyn days, of course). If you want to call yourself esquire, you sign your ass into the cavalry, clean up horse crap and help knights into their armor for seven years...oh, and go back in time about four hundred years.

Two or more names in a business title
"Thank you for calling Blank, Blank, and Blank." Really creative. If you can't come up with a name, you don't have your shit together. Worse is if you don't think about how the names blend. There's a financial consultant company called Deloitte & Touche that I used to deliver to. How messed up do you have to be to think that's a good idea? Toilette and Douche can go fuck themselves. I also used to deliver to a company called Cornish and Carey. How disgusting does that sound? It sounds like a sex act you perform on someone with a bowel issue. Oh, and how about ones like Meyers and Meyers? Does that really deserve to be said twice? Seriously, are you just trying to fill space on your business card?

Sweet baby names
Names like Skyler, Kaydin, and Hunter are cruel enough. Names like Darling, Sugar, Honey, ReeRee are outright child abuse. Remember that you're not raising a baby, you're raising a person, and that person will one day have to apply for a serious job and have a serious career, and that can't be done with a name like Trixie. On second thought, I take that back, they'll be too deep in therapy to work on a career.

Randy
Don't name your kid anything that means "horny." I thought this one was obvious. If your name is Randy, you need to be going by your middle name.

PhD
I don't introduce myself as "Dave, keyed your Escalade," so don't put your accomplishments in your introduction.

Dr
If you are a medical doctor, and you're always on the clock, go ahead and toss this puppy right onto your name. You're even welcome to wear a sign. I'm serious about this, go around in a white jacket and a medical mask; we're good, you and I. Just be ready to help out if something goes wrong. You call yourself a doctor, you'd damned sure better act like one if you're pandering for the credit.

If you're a doctor of seismology, shut up. The title was not meant to be a masturbatory aid, so stop treating it like one.

current mood: annoyed

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Thursday, June 24th, 2010
6:08 pm
Everybody needs to stop talking about vuvuzelas.

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Wednesday, June 16th, 2010
12:07 am - Great big ol' thanks
I had a political debate today. I use that phrase for your benefit; I don't consider a rapid series of preaches and frequent interrupting to be a debate, but the rest of the world seems to (just watch a news program with guest debaters). This was why I stopped having religious debates; people are far more interested in saying they're right than in being right. I'm still filled with this persistent anger about the whole same-sex marriage issue, and I've been in quite a few chats about it without once being able to state my case. I really should be over this, but such a socially pervasive and vehemently denied ignorance keeps showing up. I'm going to have to find out whether this has to do with some sort of a feeling of helplessness related to other things. It just won't roll off.

It probably has to do with the frustration regarding Pool of Radiance: Ruins of Myth Drannor. I convinced myself that I could go back through it if I was doing something else at the same time, and it was good for a while, but then I got to a point where you had to have a rogue or the game was over. I wasn't sure how anybody was supposed to know that, since you can only have four characters out of, what, eight classes. Yep. Need a rogue. Finding this out for sure involved poring over an infuriatingly immense series of dungeons at a snail's pace, trying this and that. It was probably a glitch, and there was no information about it on the internet at all. The crappy part was, it had to do with doors working one way for more than half the game, and then suddenly being unable to be bashed in. Ladies, if you know anything about men, you know that we hate to back down from a challenge, especially one we've invested in. I've circumvented the problem somewhat, but the frustration continues, and it's probably just branching out to things that are more subtly frustrating.

One of the things that's been frustrating me is that I've been forgetting to give my thanks to the people who deserve gratitude. This'll just be for the people I think still might read this.

THANK YOU DOVEY for being right there when I need you. It's hard to find anybody who can be given personal secrets (especially with my own brand of weirdness), and it is just plain awesome to have you there at a moment's notice when I need to vent.

THANK YOU PHRENIC PHRENIA MCMITRI for providing me with the best feedback I've ever had. You had the tacks to apply criticism to the fundamental core of my writing, my creativity itself, and damn it all, you were right. I wish I'd had you while I was writing my first book. If I get a huge movie deal, you're getting credit. Enough to pay me back for the book. Ha ha ha. Seriously, though, you rock.

THANK YOU CASSIE for showing me that there's still such a thing as strength of character without sacrificing wisdom. I've never seen traditional faith balanced so well with reason. You know yourself, you know what you want, and you know what you're going to do about it, and I admire that. Your rareness is a tragedy in the world.

THANK YOU ALLIE for providing me with a lifelong emotional security blanket. No matter how bad it gets, I know that Allie still loves me. If California slides into the ocean and I survive, it really is reassuring to know that I there's somewhere I can go. I don't even know for a fact that that's true, but I believe it in my heart, and you've given me that.

THANK YOU GREG for introducing me to the music I've been looking for almost all my life. I was reluctant to give Epica a shot, and I did blow it off a little for a while, but I've musically happier than I've ever been. Through Epica, I was given Amberian Dawn, the right introduction to Coronatus and After Forever, and an introduction to Nightwish that nobody else would have been able to give me. Cassie might have given me Leaves' Eyes, but I don't think it would have come up in conversation for the introduction, or that I'd have been so willing to hear about them, if you hadn't shoved the Kevin Bacon of symphonic metal onto me. You've legitimately made my life better.

THANK YOU ASHLEY for reminding me what it's like to feel the curious little butterflies upon seeing a message. I don't think I'll ever be over how smitten I am with you, and even as unworkable as we were always going to be, you inspire delightfully boyish feelings every time we touch ends. I worship your ass.

THANK YOU AN for showing me that no matter how far I've come, there's someone I want to be when I grow up. You have shown me that it's possible to be cool, have friends, have a good time, be sociable, and exist among the masses, without sacrificing emotional or intellectual maturity. You've done just about everything everything that I consider fundamental to the Dave experience, without having to make the sacrifices I did, and I still don't know how you did it.

THANK YOU JESS for showing me your capacity to love. It's even made me self-conscious about my own. Every time I spot your name, I spare a moment to hope that one day, you find somebody who's able to harness it all. You have a radiant inner beauty that I've never seen in anybody else, and I wish I had come to 'stralia instead of going to Disneyland.

THANK YOU MOM for...well, everything. Mostly, though, for those flat-illustrated dog books from the same series you gave me to and Josh on Joe's birthday that one year. I had no reason to feel bad that he was gettting a bunch of presents and attention, but I did, and you somehow just had those there and ready. Sure, I remember M.U.S.C.L.E. wrestling ring fiascos, but I remember things like that as well. You didn't birth a momma's boy. You earned a momma's boy.

THANK YOU ERIC for hitching us to you. You showed up right when we needed you, and you've provided a better life than we were ever used to. Even when things were crappy, we were used to things being crappier. Mostly, thank you for giving Mom everything she needed after so many years of dangling by a string. I've said it before, but this is the kind of thing that bears repeating from time to time.

So that's that.


I realize that I'm leagues behind on RPG quotes, but I don't have time tonight to post any. Instead, I will post this long-overdue ponderance that many of you will recognize to be true:

"It is said that vampires cannot see their reflections in the mirror. Going by the general fan base of Vampire: The Masquerade, I'm tempted to believe it."

current mood: grateful

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Wednesday, June 9th, 2010
6:37 pm - Ban ensues
One more thing I'd like to put out there:

I'm placing a ban on killing rappers other than Lil Wayne. You can wound Ghostface Killa, but I've had enough of rivals eating all the marshmallows out of their Lucky Charms without taking care of the oat pieces*. If you're going to be in this business, then you have obligations to meet, and Lil Wayne is goddamned well one of them. No dessert until your peas are fuckin' et.



* Reference used for example only; Dave actually prefers very few (if any) marshmallows in his Lucky Charms.

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6:30 pm - New rules
Important note:

"Vag" and "vaj" are no longer acceptable terms for it. They were grudgingly permitted at first, but have now been officially deemed unfit for use. "Vajayjay" remains valid and can be used without penalty.

If you have to ask why, you're probably part of the problem. For some degree of understanding, I implore you to think about why the term "pink gorilla" is not an acceptable term for the male counterpart, and why "fuck knuckle" isn't to be used for that part that both have.

As a concession, men have agreed to cease use of the C-word when talking about it. Violaters can be safely prosecuted to the naggiest extent of the law, and now have no ground to stand on to justify its use unless except between the hours of one and four a.m. (in the presence of two or more other males in a private setting), or between the sixth and tenth beers.

On a similar, but much less drastic note, I remind the ladies that the T-word is far more preferred than the B-word when describing what you have two of. This is by no means a compulsory requirement, but a benefit-of-both-parties suggestion. When you're talking with your girlfriends, we males claim no jurisdiction over the terms you use (because we'd rather be anywhere else anyway), but when you're talking to us, any time you use the B-word, you kill the magic just a little bit, and when you kill the magic, you kill your power over us. The technicality is that if a male is using the T-word, he clearly lacks respect for protocol, and doesn't deserve to be shown this type of consideration. Chances are, he's the type who will stand next to another man at the urinal when there are other options available (and even may try to engage his fellow urinal-goers in conversation), and therefore should not be treated with this level of respect.

Now, if you see a man wincing when another one uses the T-word, it's because the use of the word should be reserved for the ladies. We're embarrassed for him (like somebody telling a racist joke around Tremaine). Men are just plain not allowed to use it. Women should generally use it whenever the subject must be discussed with their men, which, overall, should not be enough to tire the word out. It's sort of a self-regulating guideline, where if you feel that you're saying it too much, you're probably on the subject too much. The reverence should be preserved, for the sake of long-term enjoyment thereof. Speaking with male friends (the ones whom you have no intention of titillating) doesn't count, but you don't spend hours at the mall picking out your colors and levels of revealingness because you're obsessive about the thousands of potential temperature situations you'll need to prepare for, you're wanting to titillate. So forget I said that. Just go ahead and use the T-word to your heart's content. Just make sure your heart's content doesn't go Nickelback.

"Save the Ta-Tas" stickers are not yet safe to criticize. As they slip from the savvy and confident to the me-toos, they will go the way of "Baby on Board" in their own time. Incidentally, it is still not okay to have a "Baby On Board" notice.

"Box" is still not okay to use, and never will be.

"Skeet" remains the domain of total fucking idiots.

The more common term for cashews and almonds is never, ever to be used as a verb, and is never to be used to described in a sexual sense as anything but a testicle. People can know that you're trashy without you going that far.

That is all.

current mood: determined

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Thursday, January 7th, 2010
8:38 pm - This is long.
This is the point where we find out whether my secondary RPG can be maintained. The primary one, which is sort of a spinoff/sendoff campaign for the one that's been going on damn near twenty years, has been going on for a long time and has seen a few people come and go, but I'm hoping the one I started when Greg's schedule became erratic doesn't end up going down the tubes due to planning it around people I didn't know very well.

It started out as an admitted cave-in to the demands of some bored people, and I tied a beginning together out of the loosely-devised backgrounds of the characters that people created, then I slammed it face-first into the plot from that Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book that I began to write. Looking back, I'm glad I didn't try to finish it, because I do not have the short attention span necessary to write a story (or many very similar stories) that small. Over the course of a couple of weeks, my need to flesh it out has resulted in this becoming the most carefully-planned campaign I've ever run. So now, if it tanks, I'll get a little pissy. I'll probably even try to run it with different people, because there's suddenly so many specific things in it. Maybe I'll wait until Delena moves down here for college.

Christ. My baby sister is going to be going to college. 'swrong. It was just yesterday that I was changing her diapers. Love that kid.

She got me a cowbell for Christmas. She even demanded that it be the gift that I opened on Christmas Eve.

Dad got me a GPS, which, the more I think about it, the handier I believe it is to have around.

After more than ten years, The State is finally on DVD. Going back and watching it, you realize how hit-and-miss it was, and how a lot of it was just the ritual of sitting down and watching it when it was on. It was more about the good times. Of course, there were some absolutely hilarious things that went on in that group. Warning: That one's a video. Some sketches, you can tell they wrote and performed for the sole purpose of seeing what they could funding for.

I was so very musically blessed this year. I had so much music that I didn't know where I would find the time to listen to it all. Now it's going to be forever before I get any new music at all, but I'm pretty sure this will tide me over. I've been introduced to so many great bands this year. I am truly happy about wha'ts going on, musically, in my life.

The roommate I was supposed to get in January seemed to have been pushed back to February. I hope that's the last push-back date. And I hope he's capable of paying the rent.


Dad wanted to go see Avatar. He was only in town for a week, and only around me for half of that, so hey, we went to see Avatar. It wasn't a waste of time, but I wasn't wrong about how it would go. You know who's going to die, and how, and why, and who's going to kill them, and what's going to happen at the end. Nothing unexpected was done or said.

Here are the twenty best Fark.com headlines of the year. Don't worry, it's a quick read, and pays off immediately. Do you (as I do) immediately lose interest in a link when you find out it's a video?

By now, you should all know Cracked.com very well. Even if it never really caught on with you, I believe that everybody should be legally required to read this article. The ass you save may be your own.

I so very want to play Munchkin Booty. I saw it at the New Year's Eve party I was at, and it looks totally fun. If I weren't so high-lariously broke, I would totally buy it for myself.
[EDIT]
Awesome Mom is awesome. She just bought me Munchkin Booty and the expansion pack for it. How cool is that? My Mom > Your mom.

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Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009
12:17 am - Crushing souls
Seriously, the God of War collection (720p God of War 1 and 2 for PS3) has hit me where it hurts. I was Hell-bent on getting it, and don't get me wrong, it's awesome to be playing the game again, but it's kind of not the same game. For reasons unfathomable to me (and to everybody in every forum, everywhere it gets addressed), they took out the experience reward for ending a 10-hit throw with a throw-kill. It's a persistent goal throughout the entire game, and part of what made it so fun and rewarding. It's just gone. What the hell, guys? It actually kind of ruins the experience, not only because the game is less fun without it, but because now I have to go through both games looking for more little adjustments that hurt gameplay.

But I made out like a bandit this Christmas. Terabyte external hard drive for my mad backupz, little zen garden, the aforementioned game, and the bossest Mp3 player that can be found without having to install special software to manage. I could write a whole post about how badass this thing is, but I'm having so little time to post as it is. My cup, she runneth her ass over.

Some of it is music, and the acquisition thereof. Just about every band or musician I would want an album from has either put one out this year or announced that there will be one in early 2010. I'm getting collector's editions all over the place. After Forever (I figure I owe them some money), Bo Burham, Epica, Dethklok, Rammstein, Leaves' Eyes, and those are just the ones I can come up with off the top of my head. Just the collector's editions. The amount of new music that has hit me has just been overwhelming, and full of total awesome. Epica's doing something new with their singer. It's different, but it's definitely working. I'm so glad they left the corny, singsongy tunes of The Divine Conspiracy behind them. This album rocked my face off.

Band-specific music things.Collapse )

I did not go see Avatar. Why pay any amount of money, or give any more of your time to see a movie that you saw in its entirety the first time you saw a preview for it? There's nothing in it that's going to be significantly more visually impressive than what's in your average video game these days, so no thank you.

Oh, hey, I found the entire script online. Reposted with permission from 20th Century Fox:

FERN GULLY happens, but with ALIENS. [end]

So stop asking.

Randomness now.


I've heard the word "superficial" a lot of times, but I've never seen a super fish.

People who get bowl cuts cannot be trusted to make their own decisions.

ATTENTION PEOPLE WHO SPEAK SPANISH: "R" does not equal "L." You guys are worse about this than any Asian culture. Listen to somebody rolling an R. More than likely, they're being lazy bastards and rolling an L. Know who's the worst about this? Latinos. Eric Estrada, remember his appearance in that Burger King commercial, pitching his imaginary personalized shades? Remember him pointing to it, and saying "Est-lala?" You want proof? Watch Dexter. Watch Maria Laguerta try to say "Miguel Prado." It's like she's going out of her way to emphasize that it isn't being done right. I wonder if she's making fun of the culture.

I'd like to find the guy who coined the phrase "Latin America" and punch him in the face. Words mean things, asshole.

You know, the Pilgims could also use a shot in the pills for leaving from a place called "Plymouth," and naming the first place they came to "Plymouth." Squanto shoulda set your boat on fire.

I'd also like to meet the first person who said "I could care less about..." and find out whether he/she actually intended to say that. How did that ever catch on?

Geek out over this link.

The commercials for 2012 made me laugh. Scene. "Predicted by the Mayans." Scene. "Confirmed by science." Like that's not hilariously vague. They might as well have put quotes around the word.

"Hands down." People use this to describe an easy or decisive victory. "He just kicked that guy's ass, hands down, man." This has always agitated me. Do people not wonder where these expressions come from, and whether they sound stupid saying them? That kind of reminds me of that bullshit explanation of where "Mind your p's and q's" comes from. ARGH. NOW I AM ANGRY.

No, I can't be angry listening to this song. My serenity > people who talk without thinking.

I want somebody to send me too many text messages, so I can threaten to kick them in the texticles. Don't you?

Come on, guys. Orgasm as a verb? Now you're just getting lazy.

Oh! That reminds me. PEOPLE NOT IN CALIFORNIA: Where you live, do people ever refer to a movie as a "show"? I need to know that it's isolated to the drones in Sacramento, or at least to this brain-dead state. "The Matrix? Oh my god, I loved that show, it was so deep!" This is why I write exceedingly violent books. I need an outlet to release what these people give me or it will rupture my cerebrum.

Rants happeningCollapse )

Hey MS Word, stop trying to predict what I want to highlight with the mouse. What I want highlighted, I WILL HIGHLIGHT.

Take ten seconds and go here: http://www.survivingtheworld.net/Lesson149.html
You will be a better person for it.

Final note: ENOUGH ABOUT TIGER WOODS. JESUS, PEOPLE.

current mood: crushed

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Tuesday, December 1st, 2009
10:29 pm - Musical experience
I'm probably going to talk about other things, but I wanted this to start off with what just happened to me today. I understand that this probably won't affect any of you even the least little bit, but I had my brain knocked right out of my skull by a sloppy, poorly-recorded song. I am musically violated. It is inside me. It's like when you get a song stuck in your head, except it's in my soul. And not in my head. That would be awesome and annoying. This is merely awesome.

See, the group Azure Ray broke up a little while ago. They're just two people, people split up, especially if they've been creative partners for like ten years, since early high school. They want to branch out and recharge. It's cool. Tragic for Dave, who had just discovered their full discography, but at least I had something to remember them by. They were working on independent projects, ones that I anticipated would turn out like Mary Fahl's pet project, which appears entirely unfindable, and seems to have defuncted her home page simply by existing. Trying to re-imagine "The Wall" (the entire album) will do that. She had to know it when she started in on it. She's Mary frickin' Fahl, she can do what she wants. She has gobs of credibility to waste, but the album I waited so long for came out without me knowing about it, or being able to find it. The same thing happened to Steve Burns for his second album, and I don't even really know what it's about. His site (homepage AND photobucket) is down (his MySpace remains, sorta), and I haven't been able to get that album. I assumed that kind of thing would happen for Maria Taylor and Orenda Fink.

So when I heard the unmistakeable voice coming through an episode of Dollhouse, I was compelled to investigate. Maria Taylor seemed to have kept herself pretty busy, and I haven't opened up any of the stuff of hers that I found online, but Orenda Fink really seemed to be unavailable except through the traditional means. Was there really that much of a divergence of public acceptance, or does Maria Taylor just know a better publicist? Anyway, I was thinking about whether I would ask for some of her stuff for Christmas, and the ordering link appeared to have a couple of free downloads. I figured I might as well click on one to see what she was up to these days, and...oh. Emm Jee. I don't think I've ever been so powerfully and immediately taken by anything as I was with this. The words may or may not play a part in it, simply by phonic impression rather than by meaning, but it's the music that knocks me down and steamrolls me. I don't expect any of you to even enjoy it, but this is like remembering that you had a twin brother.

Mom was impossibly awesome. It will be "here" on Friday. Whether that's to her house or my house, I don't care.
[RETRACTION]
Bullshit, yes I do. It seems to be getting sent to her, which is fine. I will get it for Christmas. I can wait. I will spend that time dreading the amount of disappointment I will face for actually getting excited about something. I don't get excited about things. I get interested and curious and even happy, but excited is a rare, rare gift.

(I shared my vulnerability with you. I am so gay.)

Enough about that. I need to get my mind off of the awesomeness.

I was sick last week. It was harsh. Coughing, phlegm, hacking all night long, not getting any sleep, everything except feeling bad. I actually felt great. If my lungs would cooperate, I would have happily gone running. Some diseases are congenital, and some are congenial. Mine was the friendly kind this time. It was absolutely not cool to be hacking that much, but I think I hated the cough drop more than the coughing.

The disease just plain lasted too long, that's it. A day or two would have been fine, but it had been growing since the concert.

What concert? Oh, right, the DETHKLOK CONCERT. I went to see that. Didn'tcha guys know? Yeah. I thought it would be Mastadon opening for them, but that just shows what I know. It was a four-band tour. High On Fire was impressive from the standpoint that they were able to play their instruments. Putting together a song, perhaps having some sort of progression or continuity? Not impressive. Or fun to listen to. They were thrash. It bored me.

The next band was Converge. If you're up for a laugh, look them up on Youtube. The first video result I got was for the channel "MusicIsFuckingDead." That about sums it up. That guy, who's making noise with his mouth but doing everything he can to avoid speaking or singing? He bounced around on stage the whole time. He doesn't play any instruments. Making that noise is all he does, like the dancing guy from the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, but without the occasional musical involvement. It was hilarious, in a "people will mosh to anything" type of way. By the way, don't bother looking up two of their songs. They're all exactly the same.

I absolutely do not see what the big deal is about Mastodon. Nothing against them, the non-metal-conductive speakers made it sound like they were playing all over each other. One thing I did notice is that they were delightfully terrible at distributing their energy. Intensity needs to be measured and displayed with at least some regard to what's going on in the song. It's called pacing, and if you don't know what you're doing with it, all of your stuff is going to sound the same, which means nothing you do will ever be special.

I am so glad that the bong that is SJSU's auditorium was mostly cleared out by the time Dethklok took the stage. Really, guys? Weed is the drug of choice for a metal concert? Really? Thrash just doesn't sound like the kind of thing you'd want to be mellow to.



I got excited when I spotted Skwisgaar's Gibson Explorer being tuned by the roadies.

Everything it's showing there was amazing live. The band is very scantly lit, since the performance is based around the fictional side of the band, but Brendan Small saw Gorillaz do only that, and wanted to be different. He wanted the live audience to be able to see what was going on, and it really works out great. Gene Hoglan makes the impossible look pedestrian.

The video for Bloodlines was awesome, and the visuals added a lot to Murmaider and Black Fire Upon Us. Seeing the solo in the Coffee Jingle done in person was humbling. The kind of talent hurts to see. I was afraid that they were going to end it with Go Into The Water, but then they turned off the video, turned on the lights, and did Fansong without the band-obscuring darkness. It paid off wonderfully. It was an awesome night, and I'm glad that my sister asked me to take her to it. I know she's glad she went, because she also won a raffle for an XBox360 version of Brutal Legend. She doesn't have the system for it, but she's resourceful. She'll find a way.

I had a whole lot more to say, but this is already too long. I'll come back later on.

Big love.

current mood: touched

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Tuesday, November 17th, 2009
11:00 pm - Linguistically disgusted
I hate this language. Suddenly, favoring a leg after a sports injury can now mean that you walk more on that one, or on the other one. This is bullshit. Nothing means anything anymore. Just think of all the things that can mean its own exact opposite. I'm not talking about the obvious and celebrated "inflammable." I'm talking about things like "resign." In sports, you can quit when your contract ends, or you can resign (as in, re-sign) with your team. Or you can resign and tell them to fuck themselves. And sanctioning something! If an action is sanctioned by the UN, it usually means that they didn't put sanctions on it. Shelled nuts? It means they do and do not have shells.

When somebody calls a picture "the older one," do they mean that they're older in the photo (making it the newer one) or the one that was taken longer ago, making them younger in it? When people strike, sometimes it means they do something, and sometimes it means they intentionally do nothing. If something is lost to your enemy, does it mean that you have it, or he has it? This is just a matter of people using an expression they don't understand, so often that it loses its meaning, but when something is all but ruined...is it ruined? Most of the time, when people say it, that's what they mean. The English-speaking masses need to be put in lots of pain for their offenses.

People just don't think about what they're saying. People use the phrase "went off" to describe something that activated, or something that deactivated. And if you have outstanding test results, did you ace it, or did you just plain not turn one in? If someone asks you about your AIDS test, and you say that the results were positive...DO YOU HAVE AIDS? Also, do the rest of you have AIDS? I'm trying to keep track of who does and does not, in case I suddenly need to take a cross-country road trip, and somebody needs to be loved up.

Speaking of that, how about ascending order? That can often mean that you're starting at the largest number and counting down. Craziness.

Some terms just sound too much like each other. Some, when spoken out loud, are each other. Doctor Dave says that those are homophones, which are not to be confused with homonyms, which are spelled the same. They're also not to be confused with homo phones, which have been getting heavily advertised lately, usually by hand models demonstrating the functionality of simulated screens based on nonexistent data transfer rates. Like when you rid yourself of or use something, you exorcise or exercise something. When you raze something, you burn it into uselessness and cackle madly while it crumbles (if you're doing it right), but when you raise something, you bring it back, or build it up. If someone asks you to resend something, you'd better not rescind it instead. Theoretically, there should be a subtle difference in pronouncing those, but that's the thing about theory.

Some words just got lost to intellectual laziness. People don't know what a beeline is anymore, but they still use the word. And I have to believe that people did that with "oversexed." Shouldn't that mean you're getting too much?

Oh. Since we're on the subject, when you say something like "He wasn't able to give her what she wanted in a relationship. Read: impotent," it's pronounced in the past tense, like "red." I don't see how people are trying to get it to make sense if they're pronouncing it in the way that rhymes with "breed." It's not a command for someone to read something (though we could use a few of those here and there), it means "This is how it is read." Although now that I've mentioned that, I should express how much I hate the way letters just get chopped off when people drop words into the conjugation fan. "Pronounciation." Was it too hard to put the "o" on there, fellas? Did you have a hard time in school, necessitating that you make things more complicated for future generations? I've given up correcting misspellings that make more sense.

[EDIT] I had to come back and confess that if I was ever working with a twisting tool (pliers, wrench, ratchet, tire iron, etc) and you told me to turn something to the right (or to the left), I wanted to punch you. There is no "to the right" or "to the left" when you're turning something in a circle. I'm a loving guy, which is why you didn't get punched.

TOPIC CHANGE.

Batman: Arkham Asylum. It's as good as they say it is. They even got the actors from the animated series. It's good to hear Luke Skywalker as the Joker again. And it's surprisingly respectable to hear Kevin Conroy playing Batman a different way. There's a lot less character to the voice in the video game, which matches the suit and colors much better. It was a choice that could have turned out horribly, and I'm glad to see that it didn't.

I now share with you a line from my book.
"I swear, if crazy were gold, we could just cut out the violence and use you to buy the whole damned continent."

Line subject to change, based on edits.

Oh, and keep in mind that if you stopped what you were doing right now, went to a vocal coach, studied for the rest of your natural life, and tried as hard as you could, and really applied yourself, and went about it intelligently, and took the most rewarding risks, and if they paid off in spades, and if you learned new things about yourself that you never imagined, and found a talent buried within you beyond your imagination, and if you nurtured it, polished it, and refined it until the end of days...
...you still wouldn't be as good as a woman named Floor. (link goes to a video, she pwnz j00 at 3:39) When the shit starts flying, words start getting thrown around, and a sista gotta whip out some vocals to put people in their place, you don't want to mess with someone who's capable of melting your brain. I lost a lot of respect for my favorite singers much earlier in the year, when I found out what this one was capable of. Fuck After Forever for not using her properly in more than a couple of songs. Annie Lennox may be able to open her mouth and knock you on your ass, Mary Fahl may be able to pick up any note she finds lying on the ground and kick your ass with it, but they're not bionic (re: 4:22-4:57).

Sheeeet.


Lastly, why does nobody in this overused genre ever think of this?

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Thursday, November 12th, 2009
8:57 pm - It's time
Trimmed for people who don't give a frick about video gamesCollapse )
I miss askaninja.com. They haven't been producing lately. They're expanding, so, y'know, good for them, but I wants me my videos. Also, CreativeJuices7 is still dead in the water, and it's been what, nine months? No word at all. I can't even find anything in the forums to suggest that the owners are still alive. This, and how long it's been since a new Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged episode has come out...it's just horrible. I feel empty and abandoned. COME BACK, GUYS. *sniff*

At least I still have My First Dictionary. Yes, start at the first. It's more of a journey that way.

Also, try www.survivingtheworld.net (really good stuff in there) and www.itmademyday.com . These are both full of positive. Not like this post so far, which is full of negative.

In the last video for AskANinja.com, somebody asked where ninjas come from. The answer was utterly perfect. "Out of nowhere." Glorious. It doesn't make up for the wait, but it almost made me weep with its gorgeous simplicity. Almost as perfect as when I was at Hometown Buffet and I asked my (think I'm getting the age right) seven-year-old sister how the potatoes were, because I was thinking of getting some myself. She made a face and said "Instant." Never in my life had a question and all conceivable follow-up questions been so completely answered, and she did it in one word. That's the definition of poetry. Also, wit. Also, genius. Depends on whose proverbs you prefer.

That reminds me, I'm Dead And It's All My Fault is also full of super. Not quite as positive, but funny in an almost-clean way, and not directly hateful. Start as far back as you can. It might not feel like a journey, but it totally is.

Yes, this has turned into Linkathon '09. I'll stop now.

Now I'm going to ask for a little bit of audience participation here...

I have devised a word! This word is VAGENIE. I need you all to tell me what you think it should mean. I do this for you. Because I love you. Alright, everyone, I've been meandering around this for long enough, and it's time for me to finally ask...WILL ALL OF YOU MARRY ME? Allie won't mind. She knows she'll always be my first wife, because she alone wields the power of a vagenie.

Oh, hey, that reminds me. ASHREIGH. I am willing to make this concession to you: If you come to California and marry me, you will get to have a large, SUV-or-larger vehicle. Anybody else would be DENIED. Grounds for a DIVOASIN'. But you? You're special.

Crap, I just remembered that rule. The First Wife gets any and all priveleges afforded to any other wife. 'cause she's special. Fine then, just you and Allie.

Behold my mighty sudden change of topic. Here are the rest of the RPG quotes. Clickity.Collapse )

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Thursday, November 5th, 2009
11:29 pm
Forgive the typos, it is late.

Real quick: People who make commercials for cellphones either need to take a different approach to their products, or die. Either way, this needs to stop. Nobody in the history of the universe has ever seriously referred to their cell as their "wireless." Just. Call it. A cellphone. Or a cell. Why is it that so many companies have this blind spot to their customers? What is with this love affair with the word? It was functionally the exact same word as "cordless" until people fell under the illusion that a cord and a wire are different in the context of phones. This is the word that they're clinging to in the face of all business logic?

Speaking of which: "Bath Tissue." Seriously? Who put any thought into the construction fo that term? Let's not get into how I feel about the people who need to disassociate the idea of wiping their asses (and other things) with the word "toilet." "I will drag this fabric over my anus and remove the particles and smears of fecal matter, but for the love of God, don't make me use the t-word. I'd much rather think about a bath. Oh, even better, a puppy! I like kitties! Hey, can we call these kitty sheets? I like that much better. I'm going to drop by Target and pick up some kitty sheets. While we're at it, can we stop calling it a toilet? Can we get a French word? Wait, it IS French? Well, let's get a better one."

Okay, rant over.

I remain as militantly anti-take'n'bake as ever. The business model of Papa Murphy's remains baffling to me. Don't tell me there aren't better pizzas out there for the same amount of money in the frozen foods section of the average grocery store. If I pay someone for pizza-related labor, they're not going to go through the trouble of bringing it to me, or even operating an oven? This is a despicable corruption of the I-give-you-money-you-give-me-pizza tradition.

I'm finally getting to RPG quotes. Bear in mind that we're usually decently tired when these get logged. Also, keep in mind that most of these are less hilarious out of context. Case in point, the first one.

"How much are you going to drink?"
"Enough to where I stop feeling lousy."

See, if you didn't know that he'd been poisoned, and I was asking him how much anti-poison stuff he was going to drink, that wouldn't be as funny. More as follows.

A mystical voice arises outside the lair of the Seer...
"What is your name?"
"I am Mickey the Monkey Wrench, Fucker-Upper of People's Shit!"
"What is your function?"
"I fuck that shit ALL THE WAY UP."
"What is your purpose here?"
"I'll give you two guesses. But hurry it up, time's a-wastin'."

"We've only had time to break a window and throw a badger out of it."

"Apparently, I'm some sort of mystical monkey god with powers I didn't even know."

"When the monsters come to raid your town and eat your children, you can use these weapons to kill them! ...I mean the monsters, not the children."

"That's what happens when you leave things in things...they stay there."

"I'm not going over there and just taking that. I'm not a thief."
"Says the guy with 'some guy's wallet' written in his inventory."

"I think they should invent a ring of protection from child molesters."
"I'm pretty sure they call that herpes."

"You realize these spiders are about as big as your head, right?"
"Those are the tasty kind!"

"You shouldn't have slept with that guy!"
"Well, Greg was wounded, and we didn't have the money to get him healed!"
"YES WE DID."
"Well, now we can afford it again. See if you can get injured around a cuter priest."

"Okay. I'm going to shoot at the owlbears."
"Alright. Are you going to aim for anything in particular?"
"Yes. The owlbears."

"What do I see?"
"To the left, there are worgs, who are eating your henchman."
"What else is there?"

"Hey guys, I think I found a clue!"
"Jinkies!"

"Ew! This pencil smells like...pencil!"
"It takes a special kind of audacity to be surprised by that."

"Sure, I know a little bit about him. And for fifty gold, I'll know a little more."
"That doesn't make sense. I've had plenty of gold, and it didn't make me any smarter."
"I can tell."

"I don't think my brother wants me sleeping with anyone else."

"This is your own trial. You must face this alone. But do come back and let us know how it went."

"Where would you find a closet?"
"In houses, where closets live!"

"Us try find invisible bag that way."
"We didn't see any invisible bags."

"Hey, this not feel like bag!"
"But does it feel like invisible bag?"

"I thought you were a virgin!"
"No, I'm not! That's how we have a priest!"

"Baku has trained the mounts to hate. He brought them to the dark side of the horse."

The party opens the door to the room of the man they want to get to identify their items. They ask him "Are you the loremaster?" He peers at the one who speaks, and says "Are you the gatekeeper?"

"What's the cinder block for?"
"In case I'm a dick."
(This may or may not be better in context...anybody remember what the lead-up was?)

"Say...you're pretty cute."
"Er, no thanks, I have a...uh...brother."

"So you're going to go through and kill all the evil people? Sure, we'll tag along. That's fun for the whole alignment spectrum."

"Logic? I think you'll find that pointless. Just go with it. We do."

"Any idea where the dragons went?"
"You mean the ice dragons? Yeah. Toward the snow."

"Why am I getting wet?"
"Because you let somebody eat your tacos."
(believe it or not, this one had a non-perverted origin)

"Oh come on, you're saying you don't have value, like you're not worth anything?"
"Not me! I know what I'm worth!"
"Nothing, that's what we paid for you."

"I think those guys were priests of a dark god!"
"Which one?"
"Both of them."

"Okay. I set the beached boat on fire."
"The spiders inside begin fleeing for their lives, some on fire, some not. They jump around, run onto the sand, and panic. After the fire grows higher and covers the person-sized hole you made where you found the webs inside, you begin to hear a screaming from the back of the ship."
"Like, a person screaming?"
"Yes, like a person screaming."
"Is the fire back there yet?"
"It sure is."
"Aw, crap, we have to save him."
"Whoa, whoa guys...says who?"
"He's going to burn to death."
"Well, he should have thought of that before he got on a boat full of flaming spiders."

That does it for page one. Page two later. I don't want this post to go supernova.

current mood: tired

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Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009
8:58 pm - Just for the posting's sake.
I said I was going to post more often, and I may be sacrificing quality to do so, but I'm going to make myself stick to this. I used to just let thoughts pile up, with the intention of posting them "eventually," but I misjudged my own capacity to recognize an opportunity to make it really happen. So here are some more scattered thoughts. P'raps later I will get going into some actual story-like situations, but that all depends on me not being creativity-taxed to death.

Not running a game last weekend might have helped with that. My tabletop game meets every two weeks (usually), conforming to the schedule of Senor Greg. This happens partially because the party runs off and does things without him that they, as they're doing it, acknowledge as being wholeheartedly stupid. Also, he's the only original character who has been at more than half the sessions who still shows up for the game, which, I'm not sure if he realizes, will land him some nifty in-game benefits, and give him much, much more lenience as far as going out of my way to avoid killing him. I try not to just throw my arms up and say "Okay, you finally did it, there's no way for the party to win now, the game is done," but if we don't have any original characters, I'm not really going to have a choice. I told people at the beginning to stick with their original characters. It was sorta important to the plot. Tracy was going to be the only other one to reap the benefits, and now that she has a new girlfriend, and is likely falling into some even less respectable habits, I'm almost able to count her out entirely. It sucks.

Big up to jelarin for being our stenographer. She scores big points for it, too. It's cool to be able to go back and read what was happening a year ago. Some of it is outright incorrect (miscommunications do happen), but since it's in character, there are bound to be discrepancies. You'd all have access to the log of what's going on, but I don't think she has an LJ for her Corlana character. The more we play, and the more I write, the more worried I get about how similar she is to a character in my second book, which is at page 647 now. Since I haven't put page breaks between chapters, I could call it longer, but since I put a space between each paragraph for easier on-screen reading, I could also call it much shorter.

There's a very dirty joke to make there, but I don't want to make the two people reading it as I write it feel grossed out.

It weird. About halfway through my first book, I gained two readers. Same thing happened for the second one. I wonder if they'll just plain not read the next one I write, like my last two, those not-readin'-my-crap bastiches.

I had a lot of fun playing The Force: Unleashed. Same for Heavenly Sword. Both were solid games that took a lot of getting used to in order to understand what went into them. Both had stories that were much better than I anticipated, and TF:U (hehe...the eff you) actually had a canonically-sound story that did not make me roll my eyes. The premise annoyed me, but there was enough in there to earn my forgiveness. Some of you may know how hard that can be. Heavenly Sword, though, was actually worthy of the term "fantastic" when describing its execution. Aside from the little hanging scene that was promptly ignored in-game, it was more than just entertaining, it was well-written and fun to watch. Not just the FMV, but the game as well. That puts it a step above Metal Gear: Solid 4, which, while decently engaging, was full of cut scenes that were overly long, hackneyed, and, at times, outright pretarded. We forgive it, because it makes sense of the other games. It sounded impossible, but they managed to excuse some of what went on earlier. Still no excuse for having Cam Clarke do the voice for Liquid Snake. I've been a hater of his since the onset of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles animated series. The first one.

That paragraph was meant to be about love. I've played some really good games lately. Dead Space never got terrible. A little predictable in spots, sure, but always fun. Bless Gamefly. Bless it so much.

Apparently, Cold Stone (Coldstone?) does indeed have rigglar ice cream. I say "apparently" because I was just told.

Cassie was totally right about Leaves' Eyes. Awesome band, once you're acclimated. Hits and misses, of course, but that's a given with any band. Njord captures (almost perfectly) the feeling I wanted for Vanek Kell-Hath. It might replace Reise Reise as his intented entrance theme.

I'm totally gay for the song "The Kill" by Thirty Seconds To Mars. They strike me as a band that exists to produce a single really cool song, and then vanish. This one is it. It's one of the few that's much more fun to listen to than to play on Rock Band. I'm just jazzed that they released the best of Queen for the game. Somebody To Love? Yes plz. I Want It All? Gimme! Under Pressure? For the love of God, yes. Bohemian Rhapsody? Not available. Not a bad call on their part. It wouldn't lend itself well to the game.

Now for that freefloating aggression:

There is no argument to justify having a program put saved games and character profiles in the "My Documents" folder. I'm not talking about there NOT BEING A WAY TO CHANGE THAT, I'm not talking about how THEY ASK YOU WHERE YOU WANT TO INSTALL THE GAME AND THEN PUT YOUR FILES SOMEWHERE ELSE. I'm talking about the idiots who somehow think there's a benefit. If you're fucking around with your profile to the point where where you need to go to My Documents/Black Isle Studios/Fallout 3 for your convenience because you have to alter those so often, how do you not know how to make a link to your own program files? If you mess around in there, why do you need a new folder for every game you install popping up to clutter up your folder? If you have ever argued for that behavior, you need to have the direction of your knee reversed with a tire iron. You're an idiot. There is no valid argument. Even if you later said "Oh, I see your point. That really is kinda dumb," that tire iron thing still applies. Think before you speak. Don't make me track you down for being a moron.

Speaking of being a moron, does anybody know why there are people who intentionally hang toilet paper so that it falls away from the person who needs to use it? I mean, I know there's not a good one, but has anyone had this conversation with someone who tried to put forth something that they thought was a valid argument?

H1N1 is called a pandemic now. "Epidemic" is officially phased out, I guess. Greg, don't start with that. You know as well as I do that this is due to media-driven hype. Search your feelings, Jeff-effah


Like Adam said to Eve, this thing got way longer than I'd anticipated.

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Sunday, October 25th, 2009
2:29 pm - Ducked it.
That's right, I had a hugely eventful series of months, and said nothing about it. And I'm not gonna. Neener neener. I got this LJ partially to have a place where I could discuss an event, and therefore not have to tell everybody I know the details about it, and why I didn't do this instead of that. Because you guys know you love to do that. I'm actually thinking about carrying pamphlets around with me to shorten the amount of time having the same conversation with everybody I meet. Why don't you have a girlfriend? Why aren't you in college? Why don't you eat regular food? Each one of these conversations has turned into a Dave-centered accusation-fest every single time I've had them. Hatin' it. So this LJ was supposed to fix things like that, but as it turns out, getting people to read it was a failing effort. It would be one thing if I said "Go to www.DreamWorkssucks.reasonsofdave.com" and they said "meh, that sounds like too much reading" and dropped the subject, but no, they're curious enough to bug me, but not curious enough to read anything.

Now, it's not that I've been avoiding this thing, I just haven't felt the urge to share any of my thoughts. It might be related to how many people are giving me the impression that they just plain don't read anymore.

Scattered thoughts:

Have you ever found yourself avoiding a conversation with somebody because you know that half the things you're about to say, you're going to have to immediately repeat?

Am I the only one who notices (and fucking hates) how often people will repeat out loud the last thing somebody said?

Any time you ever see anybody playing a video game on TV or in a movie, that is not how anybody plays video games. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you're part of the problem.

Any argument centered around the sanctity of marriage is a stupid one. I've been tiptoeing around that one, but if anybody brings it up, it's a clear indication that the person doesn't think about what they're saying.

It is always improper to refer to a person as "they," but nobody gives a shit. It's like ending a sentence with a preposition. Even I, the gramer Nazi, am unable to dig into my pile of rat's asses and finding two worth committing to it.

Internet Explorer is now officially too slow for me. I'm going to start leaning on Google Chrome again, and its bookmark difficulties will just be a surmountable hurdle.

I got something at Coldstone (Cold Stone?) without realizing it was yogurt. It took me a few bites to place it. Is it all like that? I'm too lazy to check, and besides, sometimes wondering is more fun than knowing.

Bo Burnham is my new favorite comedian.

I haven't caught the first episode yet, but I have the feeling Jeff Dunham's show (comedians enjoy having ham in their name) is going to suck.

Zombieland did not suck. It was pretty consistently entertaining.

I so profoundly do not care about collecting trophies in PS3 games.

The way Microsoft produces is poisonous to the gaming industry. Treating intellectual property like office equipment and putting developers under strict time frames is ruining games. Putting a business man at the head of a game company is like putting an accountant in charge of a choir.

Also, you don't hear PS3 owners complaining about their games crashing. You don't hear them complaining about anything. It's hard enough to find a PS3 owner.

I am woefully behind on my Strong Bad. Like, months. Has it gotten bad? Can anyone tell me?

I don't miss Amber. I just miss having a girlfriend.

Dethklok's new album is more solid overall than their last one, but has fewer songs that are good to listen to by themselves. Interesting tradeoff. I'm going to see them with my sister on the 21st of November. DON'T LET ME DOWN.

Dead Space is a conceptually solid game (so far). The story works perfectly for the genre and the platform. One complaint: Knock it off with the flamethrower ammo. I use a real gun. One that hurts my enemies. Thanks. Oh, and the outfit could stand to look a little bit less like Lord Zedd from Power Rangers.

I almost bought GTA 4 for the PS3. Then I remembered that I own it on PC. I just wish they didn't require you to have A GODDAMNED GIGABYTE OF RAM on just your VIDEO CARD in order to use the higher texture pack. wtF? This was like a year ago, and they still don't make good cards like that for under a hundred fifty. And before you mention anything about what ATI is doing, notice that I said "good."

I was unaware that Dollhouse was such a phenomenon among everybody I've ever met. I heard it just wasn't what people were looking for. This bears investigation.

Does anybody else find it stupid when Darth Vader says "What is thy bidding, my master?" Where does "thy" come into it? It's a location/period specific word. That also reminds me of why I lost faith in the Star Wars books...I can't remember who it was, but somebody was sipping on a cup of a curious beverage, and he/she was asked about it. The answer was a small smile, and a mention of something called "hot chocolate," picked up on a tiny little planet called Earth. Apparently "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away" gets overwritten for cheap fan service. If you know anything about George Lucas, you know he's wholeheartedly against any kind of service to the fans.

[EDIT]
I ran into this email a while ago, and I decided that if I ever made an LJ post again, this would be in it. I actually sent this to someone.

"Also, a few minutes ago, a spider came down on my monitor. He seemed a little frustrated by the staticky glass in front, but I took my eyes off of him for a second to talk to someone else, and when I looked again, he was gone. He didn't go back up to the ceiling, he wasn't anywhere around my monitor, and he didn't climb onto me. He was just gone. He must have been a phase spider, and those usually have at least 40 hit points, so I might be in trouble. Get 5000 GP worth of gems ready in case I need a cleric."

[FURTHER EDIT]
How is it that there was a petition to stop Uwe Boll, but not one for Michael Bay?

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Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009
12:19 pm - I link you again. It's how I do things.
This is the best misheard lyrics video I've ever seen in my life. I propose that it is unable to be topped.

Also, if you haven't seen this, you are not my friend. Look up the lyrics some time, and you will find that it's just as hilarious in print.

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Thursday, May 28th, 2009
7:16 pm - Fascinating.
Here's the thingCollapse )

Fun fact! Burger King hambugers in my area are 89 cents. A double hambuger? $2.50. I order two burgers and hand the buns and wrapper for one of them right back over the counter.

RPG Quotes:
(important note...most of these are intended to be taken out of context)

"Why can't we pee in the river?" "Because then the gorillas would drown."

"If it's not glass, then I don't want it for my fetus."

"She's not here. She could have showed them her feces."

"We'd get the horses pregnant one at a time."

"They're highly potent focal points of magic and chaos rolled up into a tiny little...bitch."

"I could not recommend a competitor. I'm sure you understand." "Actually, I couldn't understand. You're kind of French."

"That's why it's fun to kill people. Cute has nothing to do with it."

"It will be a long way. Especially since you lost your horses." "Neigh!"

"That horse is gonna die in a knife fight."

"What did she die from?" "Murder."

"I told them to get more ballistas!" "They were busy building walls to put the ballistas on." "Walls don't work on dragons!"

"What happened to her?" "She tried to chop down a treant." "Why?" "She...wanted to make a canoe."

"Where will you be aiming?" "I dunno...I want him to die and leave me alone." "Ah, the 'die and leave me alone' shot...that's tricky."

"You know what? The gorilla fetus is cute."

"If that thing were smart, it would be catching the arrows." "It IS catching the arrows."

"Neckra, would you like to destroy Baku's monkey?" "No way, you stay away from my monkey!" "But mine's all used up!"

"She's just a big ol' softy on the inside." "Yep. Reeeeaaaal squishy." "Yes, but she's sharp and pointy on the outside, which is what we keep her around for."

"How much are you gonna drink?" "Enough to where I stop feeling lousy."

"Apparently I'm some sort of mystical monkey god with powers I didn't even know."

"We've only had time to break a window and throw a badger out of it."

"I know a bit, but for fifty gp, I'll know a little more." "That doesn't make sense. I've had plenty of money, and it didn't make me any smarter." "Yes, I can tell."

"When the monsters come to raid your town and eat your children, you can use these weapons to kill them! ...the monsters, not the children."

"I think those guys were priests of a dark god." "Which one?" "Both of them."

"I'm not a thief!" "Says the guy with 'some guy's wallet' written in his inventory."

"I'll shoot the owlbears." "Are you going to aim for anything in specific?" "Yes. The owlbears."

current mood: amused

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