Dear Doctor Dave

Why is it that all the black girls in my school are attracted to me? I’m white and skinny, and I don’t listen to hip hop.

MC Eugene



Dear McYoojie

Good question. This happens a little more often than people think it would. I, being honkey and see-through myself, had something like this go on during my senior year of (let’s get) high school, so I started working on what it was all about. Here’s what I found:

1) If you’re in a less-than-rich school, there’s that “this person will be more likely to financially support me” mentality that goes on in women. Girl’s gotta have her bling, and a lot of the time, the people whom others would expect her to be attracted to just aren’t giving them that impression. I ain’t sayin’ she’s a golddigga, but she don’t wanna be livin’ with no broke, broke…

2) Let’s face it, the media’s white, unless you count WB midday programming. How long did Mr. Talent, Tyrese Gibson last in his series? Impressionable young ghetto girls see whitey on TV all the time, and they want to associate with people like the ones they see on TV.

3) The lingering sensation of persecution in the minds of most darker-skinned people (partially due to the above observation) leads them to seek a sort of vindication from the perceived oppressors. Gettin’ one’s freak on with a perceived persecutor eases the tension.

4) These days, maternal instincts start getting into full swing at about the period junior high becomes high school. A skinny, helpless-looking whitey might appeal to that. It’s kinky and retroFreudian, but we can’t afford to sugarcoat our scientific findings, lest we deny ourselves the potential truth.

5) Maybe women appreciate the benefits of performance anxiety. Depending on the racial distribution of your school, you might feel pressured to fit in to a darker-skinned populace (as is the case in less-rich schools), and thus feel that you’re already at a social disadvantage, and thus, be more willing to give it the extra thrust when it comes to booty action. Sex-crazed teenagers can pick up on this. They smell it, like fear. It’s why bald men get action.

6) On the other side, virgin girls who do not wish to be virgin girls have been known to seek out the…how shall we say…less girthful of people to make sure the transition isn’t painful. Hate to say it, but let’s not be so bashful as to turn our eyes from evidence.

7) Having a white boyfriend could come in handy if you’re hauled into court. I’m just sayin’.

8) Somebody has to handle the money.

9) Having a boyfriend you can beat up comes in handy if there’s a fight. (HINT: Don’t argue with a sista while you’re in the kitchen.)

So there you go. Pick and answer and go with it. Hope this helped.


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Dear Dr Dave (DDD)

If people are evolving, why is there an obesity epidemic and why is everybody’s immune systems getting so bad? and why are there so many birth defects?

JesusLovesMe, IA


Dear Heysoos’s Lover

Allow me to phrase this in a way befitting one of your understanding of genetics:
Because everybody’s DNA is current undergoing maintenance to be able to shoot laser beams from their eyes.

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Dear Dr. Dave:

I’m an EMT in a small town in Michigan. I’ve been doing this for four years, and in that time I’ve just had to administer CPR myself three times. All three times, my nipples got hard. I don’t want to talk to the people around me about this, because they might think it’s weird or something, but is that normal?

Kate, MI



Dear Kate

Only if it’s me you’re giving CPR to. Booya.
Seriously, though, you’re in Michigan. Is there anything that you CAN do outdoors there that doesn’t harden your nipples?
Okay, since you asked, take these into consideration:
- Do you regularly kiss people who are not unconscious?
- If you do, are they wide kisses, the likes of which would be necessary for forcing air into the lungs of unconscious people?
- Be honest with yourself: Do you have a fetish for asphyxiating people?
- Does your uniform make you feel sexy?
- Were those three patients sexy in any way (perhaps ways whose pursuit is forbidden by the oppressive norms of your culture)?
- Do you have a thing for tall, skinny guys with big foreheads and long hair?

The point is, you probably just need to disassiate oral arousal from your career. Please send me a picture, and I’ll let you know if I can offer a more hands-on approach to that.

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Dear Dr Dave

My girlfriend and I never want to have kids, and we’re tired of the restrictive cost of contraceptives. We’re arguing about who should have an operation so which one’s cheaper?

Scott, CA



Dear Scott

It’s cheaper to snip men, but consider this. Is she more interested in not having your children or in you not being able to impregnate people? I would suggest being suspicious. Talk to her. But not in the kitchen.


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Daer DR Daev

hi im a mothr of 1 and I did the rite thing n gaev my chiald becuz I cant take caer of him so thin i movd 2 somware els n got maired 2 my boyfrend n im so happee but y is every1 so mad at me?

-cunfusd in oaragin


Very funny, you guys.

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Dear Dr. Dave

Is there anything in this world more wonderful than Forbidden Donut?

Troy, ONT



Dear Troy from the place I’m guessing is Ontario,

Unexplained bacon > Forbidden Donut

Go without either for a week and then have someone put them beside each other. See which one you’ll go for first. Of course, the bacon would be explained by that time, which would ruin the experiment, so I guess you’ll have to take my word for it.

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dear dr dave

how does dna tracing work??

jax fl


Dear Jaxful

Sorcery. Using blood to determine who committed a crime? It’s the work of Satan.


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Dear Dr. Dave

Have you found Jesus? Tell him its been two months and I want my five bucks back.



Dear Forgetful

I can’t exactly tell him to get it back to you if I don’t know who you are. You have to tell me your name. Besides, if you really want your money back, cut me out of the equation and tell him yourself. http://www.emailsfromjesus.com . You’ll have to catch him between his dates with people who ask me inane and poorly-informed questions about evolution, though. That’s the flipside to his wonderful “not picky” quality that everybody loves praising.

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Dear Dr Dave

I need this fast Im in the middle of a test what does acgt stand for in dna???

In a hurrey, Jill


Dear Dyslexic With Logic Issues

You’re probably referring to adenine, guanine, cytosine, and thymine, but if you have internet access for this test, why the hell are you asking ME?

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Dear Dr. Dave,

Why do people dream?

Kanin, Sao Paulo (Brazil)


Dear Kanin

Finally, a good question. Dreaming is caused by the settling of more-controllable neurological inhibitors on the pieces of the brain most vulnerable to the less-controllable neurological inhibitors that exist as waste in the natural processes of neural functions. These sections are shut down to clean them out, and though the electricity that would normally go to these sections is reduced, it cannot be safely shut down, because it’s so closely tied to the medulla, which controls important things like heart rate and breathing. It’s not very efficient to have these things be able to change while you’re asleep, but nature wasn’t working with a blank slate, so it had to scrunch things together kinda haphazardly. That kind of thing happens all over the body.

Anyway. When you’re asleep, some sections are still getting current and continue running despite that “crucial” pieces of the personality aren’t active, and the cognitive faculties that most senses run directly into are among those that keep going. It’s getting random signals (such as “bunny, crocodile, ex-landlord, go-cart, the Phillipines”) and trying to interpret them, so what you get sometimes doesn’t make any sense.

The fun part is that the electricity runs through the parts of your brain that get the most attention throughout the day, often without your knowing; after all, Average Joe doesn’t have the depth to understand that he’s subconsciously trying to reconcile his differences with his father, or that his understanding of paternity is tied to the image of baby ducks that he saw in a park when he was two, so when Daffy Duck is chasing him with a belt, he dismisses it as nonsense. But in many aspects of his day, behind the scenes, he’s holding every family picture he sees up against the shadow of his father, so the process is there all the time, ready for use, and when there’s random electricity being discharged in the brain to clear things out for the next day, the path most often traveled is the one that the charge is going to follow, whether he understands it or not.

But in short: Dreaming is caused by a lack of communication with the parts of the brain that understand where you actually are and what is actually around you in your world.

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Dear Doctor Dave

Why do they sell $100 lightsabers near the RAM at Fry’s?

James, TX



Dear James

Because in the history of time, there has been nobody who has gone to Fry’s to purchase ram, who hasn’t wanted to own a lightsaber. Don’t fight it. You know, deep in your soul, that it’s true, and the dark lords behind the long counter of flashing red and green checkout lights know it too. The computer industry has created gajillions of dollars, and, much to the delight of the people who run the store, much of it has gone to people who buy ram, and thus want realistic lightsabers. This was a very smart choice, even if, at first glance, it doesn’t make sense. They’re banking off it, I guarantee you.

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Dear Doctor Dave
Can you explain homosexuality? Thanks.

Curious in Phoenix


Dear Curious

Sure!
Some dudes like to have sex with dudes.
Some chicks like to have sex with chicks.
Explained.


Dr. Dave can be reached at eldavo at ze rocketmail dot ze com.


[EDIT: Crap, this new LJ client is sucking the spaces out from in front of the periods. I'll be looking for an old version of Visions.]