The most eventful week I can remember, since...well, ever. By standard measures, it's fair to say that it began last Sunday (with an ominous prelude hitting home on Saturday), but there has been enough going on that I can't call the whole thing over. These things happen in fairly predictable patterns, and they always involved a breakdown (or sudden unavailability) of my current vehicle, the kaputting of my computer, a sizable change to my career, an adjustment to my roster of friends, and the depletion of all of my bank accounts to the single or low double digits. During this period, some very interesting changes usually occur, some old scores get settled, and the outcome is usually for the better, but why tempt fate?
And before anybody says anything about keeping a positive outlook, keep in mind that forgetting my birthday, forgetting where I live, and forgetting what color my eyes are, are things that other people consider insults. Not me. Completely forgetting who I am is the thing that sandpapers my tender bits, so please, don't give me cause to think that you've done so.
No. You may not have details. Mine. Mine mine mine. Instead, deal with some old Ask Doctor Daves that have been building up.
Dear Doctor Dave;
How much would wood a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Mike, ID
Dear Mike,
Six.
Dear Doctor Dave
I've been single for three years. I know a lot of women and they tell me I'd make a great boyfriend and they keep giving me advice on how to meet women but I still can't meet any. I go to the library and I go to church and I do dating sites but I still can't meet anyone. What am I doing wrong?
Kraft American Single in Texas
Dear Cheese,
Well, I can see what you're doing wrong right now. Don't ever listen to women for advice on how to meet women. It's like asking a person who spends all day playing minesweeper what his motherboard's front side bus speed is. They may move their mouths and make sounds, but so do cows, and I'm not going to them for advice on configuring my network. Nothing against women, of course, but their exposure to the male courtship approach generally relies on the having men come up to them and start hitting on them while they're at the supermarket. This barbaric and impersonal practice conditions women to accept only what comes to them. They don't study the social interactivity the way people on the outside of it (i.e. guys like you) do, because they're too busy being hit on to notice the nuances. Besides, even if they knew, they wouldn't want to make their gender look bad by being honest. Let me stress again that this is not the rule, but merely the norm.
My advice to you (even though you technically didn't ask for it on this subject) is first to stop believing that people who have a gall bladder automatically know the best way to handle it when things go wrong. Get out somewhere. Go somewhere new, somewhere off the internet, and most importantly, a place where you are likely to see the same people over and over. Join a book club that you would otherwise have no interest in. Volunteer for something. Ask to meet the families of your friends from time to time, some of them may have hot sisters.
Dear Dr Daveman
What is it about sex that changes a man?
Trish in Lodi
Dear Presumed Fellow Californial Trish,
Tough question, being so vague. There are a lot of changes that happen to a man after (and sometimes during) sex. The change usually has to do with the kind of sex it was. I break them into three major categories: Love sex, conquest sex, and chemical sex. Chemical sex is the easiest to work with, because it has nothing to do with you. The juices were flowing, the juices needed an outlet, you were there, and that's as complicated as it needs to be sometimes. I'd go ahead and call this the majority of sex between married people.
Conquest sex is only a little bit more involved, primarily because there are standards to it. You don't have to be more than a four, you only have to be there, with the necessary equipment (boobies and a vagina, or even just a vagina if you catch them at the right time, for those of you who actually had the brass tacks to wonder). And be willing. And sometimes, even that's not an issue. Conquest sex is about the part of the male brain dedicated to spreading the experiences around (and perhaps their itchy rashes). If you think that's piggish and morally reprehensible, bear in mind that it's for the survival of the species, so lighten up. The reason Russ isn't calling you back is because the continuation of the human race may one day depend on the genetic predisposition to get a "No Fat Chicks" tattoo on his underbelly and then get jiggy with overweight girls just to be ironic. He's not going to develop staying power before you develop standards, honey.
Love sex is the fabled city of gold that sounds a whole lot more pleasant than it actually is. Not only will the sudden impact on the precious metals market cripple the other businesses that once relied on gold distribution, but the financial investment required to protect it from unscrupulous global entrepreneurs would probably bankrupt you before you were able to get your Yukon's rims sized. Plus, you can't really eat gold, so after the economic collapse you cause, you won't be able to trade anything for what you really need.
What that was intended to mean is that if you broke it, you bought it. Once you get love sex from a man, his attention, his neuroses, and the depths of his dedication are yours to endure. Love sex doesn't change a man, it simply changes your role with him. Sometimes, he'll officially consider you a part of himself and start treating you like he treats himself. Trust me, this can be a completely horrible thing if your man doesn't have the self-esteem you think he does. Sometimes, love sex will produce an absolutely intolerable amount of devotion, and in many cases, dependence, because you've filled one fundamental void, and you will be expected to solve several more problems than that one.
The most underestimated thing that love sex can do, though, is validate a man's mistaken beliefs about a woman (or a man, hey, I don't judge, I'm just using women because they're a more classic example). It can make him think that she's something she's not, and either she'll do or say something eventually to show him that his faith and love were misplaced in a horrible and life-altering conflict, or he'll have his illusion chipped away, bit by bit, day by day, in the slowest and most agonizing way possible as both parties involved sink into the sad realization that short of a horrible and life-altering conflict, the only hope is to email some dope on the internet. Man, do I hope that's not you! =D
If that's what you're looking for, though, I know a guy in Texas.
Now for some personal ones.
Dear Doctor Dave
How did you learn all this stuff?
Chas, NS
Dear Chas
MacGyver taught me.
Dear Doctor Dave,
Whats the bigest lie u ever told
Jessika, ONT
Dear Jessika,
The one I just told Chas.
Dear "Dr" Dave...
Do u even no what ur talking about???
anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Of course I do. I'm on the internet.
Dear Doctor Dave
Is there anything you DON'T know?
Alison, NY
Dear Alison,
Yes. These things are as follows:
1) Exactly what sagging represents to the people who do it
2) The square root of cheese
3) How bacon can be so awesome
4) Who can explain string theory without sounding stupid ("The reason that we can't see these dimensions is that they're very small..." Come on.)
But trust me, I'm working on all of these things.
Big love.
Current mood: 
exhausted
Current music: Metallica - Fixxxer